Jokes about the NHS - Part One

1:
Q) What's the difference between Harold Shipman and David Cameron?
A) Shipman actually did something about NHS waiting lists!


2:
News reports today tell that NHS hospitals are "plagued by vermin and pests".
Well we allowed the Coalition to be formed!


3:
A Lady rings her local hospital and this conversation follows:

Lady:

Hello I'd like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree. She was admitted last week with chest pains and I just want to know if her condition has deteriorated, stabilised or improved?
Hospital:

Do you know which ward she is in?
Lady:

Yes, ward P, room 2B.
Hospital:

I'll just put you through to the nurse station.
Nurse:

Hello ward P, how can I help?
Lady:

I would just like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree, I was wondering if her condition had deteriorated, stabilised or improved?
Nurse:

I'll just check her notes... I'm pleased to say that Mrs Tiptree's conditioned has improved. She has regained her appetite, her temperature has steadied and after some routine checks tonight, she should be well enough to go home tomorrow.
Lady:

Oh that's wonderful news, I'm so happy, thank you ever so much!
Nurse:

You seem very relieved, are you a close friend or relative?
Lady:

No, I'm Mrs Tiptree in room 2b.... Nobody tells you sod all in here...!

4:
The Government has refused proper health care to many elderly citizens due to their advancing  years.
It is a worrying problem for many but help is at hand.

Join the new George Osborne/Andrew Lansley new free care plan today!

Anyone 60 years or older, you can apply.

All new members will receive a gun and four bullets.
You are allowed to shoot one MP (two if you live in England), one MSP (if you live 
in Scotland), one councillor and just to be sure of a long sentence, someone you really don't like and think the world could do without.
As part of the plan, you will leave enough evidence to make sure you are caught and in due course will be sent to prison.

There you will get a safe central heated environment, three meals a day, lots of company, free TV and an assortment of games plus - most importantly - all the health care you need!
New teeth needed? No problem.
New glasses? They'll be provided free of charge.
New hip, knees, kidney, lung, heart? They're all covered too!

But, I can hear you ask, who will pay for all of this?

Well, the same Coalition government that told you they cannot afford your current health care!
And as an added bonus, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay income tax anymore.
There is even the chance you may be able to claim for infringements of your Human Rights,  leaving money for your loved ones!The United Kingdom! - A GREAT country or what?

5:
"Male doctors earn £15,000 a year more than women, study reveals"

Well there you go Langley, you can solve the NHS budget deficit by only employing cheap female doctors. Not only would this save millions, it would make my ideal porn fantasy one step closer.


6:
"Male doctors earn £15,000 a year more than women, study reveals"
Well there you go  Andrew Lansley, you can solve the NHS budget deficit by only employing cheap female doctors.
Not only would this save millions, it would make my ideal porn fantasy one step closer!


7:
My Grandma always used to say, 'You get what you paid for'.
I find it fitting that she died while in the care of the NHS.


8:
I left the dentist's unable to speak, sweating, red faced and drooling like a spastic.
An old lady said, "What's the matter, love? Have you had some work done?"
I said, "Nah, as the receptionist leaned forward to give me an appointment form one of her tits fell out!"


9:
The missus wanted to try some NHS doctor/patient role play.
So I made her wait a week for a bed then let her contract MRSA.


10:
You've gotta love the sense of humour of the NHS cleaners. 
Foot pedal bins in disabled toilets are a work of genius!