Workplace Jokes

New Workplace Vocabulary Dictionary (PG)

Adminisphere:
The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
Assmosis:
The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
Aquadextrous:
Possessing the ability to get a drink from the water cooler, talk with a colleague, and forget what you were doing all at the same time.
Blamestorming:
Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, who was responsible, and who to blame!
Crop Dusting:
Surreptitiously farting while passing through a Cube Farm.
Cube Farm:
An office filled with cubicles.
Disconfecting:
The art of sterilising the piece of confection (lollipop/chewing gum) you dropped under your desk on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.
Doitmyway:
Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them!
Irritainment:
Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them on your computer at work.
Lackability:
Inability to put forth the effort required to complete any task.
Lactomangulation:
Manhandling the "open here" spout on your milk container so badly that you have to resort to the 'illegal' side.
Ohnosecond:
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realise that you've just made a cock-up that will be remembered by others more than Richard Nixon's, Hilter's, and Nick Clegg's gaff's!
Mouse Potato:
The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
Percussive Maintenance:
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again, while uttering forth venomous curses!
Phoneclientesia:
The affliction of dialing a client's phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
Prairie Meerkating:
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a Cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
Salmon Day:
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
Seagull Manager:
A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
Sitcoms:
Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.
Stress Puppy:
A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiney.
Swipeout:
An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
Worrayousayboss?:
It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're saying
WOOF'S:
Well-off Older Folks.
404:
Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message “404 Not Found,” meaning that the requested document could not be located.

My Boss...

Said:

"We are going to continue having these meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done"

Quote from my Boss:

"I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you!"

My Bosses motivational sign at work:

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

A direct quote from my Boss:

"We passed over a lot of good people to get the ones we hired."

My Boss frequently gets lost in thought:

That's because it's unfamiliar territory!

My Boss said to me:

"What you see as a glass ceiling, I see as a protective barrier!"

My Boss needs a surge protector:

That way her mouth would be buffered from surprise spikes in her brain!

I thought my Boss was a bastard, and quit, to work for myself:

My new Boss is a bastard, too ... but at least I respect him.

My Boss has given automobile accident victims new hope for recovery:

He walks, talks and performs rudimentary tasks, all without the benefit of a Spine!

Some people climb the ladder of success:

My Boss walked under it!

Quote from the Boss after overriding the decision of a task force he created to find a solution:

"I'm sorry if I ever gave you the impression your input would have any effect on my decision for the outcome of this project!"

Quote from telephone inquiry:

"We're hiring only one summer intern this year and we won't start interviewing candidates for that position until the Boss' daughter finishes her summer classes.

Cryptic Notes From Your Boss Explained:

"See me and give me the benefit of your thinking on this!"

"I'm not taking the can for this one on my own!"

"For your consideration."

"I can't make head or tail of it!"

"Please note and initial."

"If anything goes wrong, we're all in this together!"

"Let's take a survey among senior management!"

"I haven't a clue what we should do - let someone else decide!"

"Will you take a look at this and let me have an in-depth report in due course!"

"If we can stall for long enough, perhaps everybody will forget all about it!"

Identifying wasted work time.

TO: All personnel
FROM: The Management 
It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in timesheets that specify large amounts of "Miscellaneous Unproductive Time" (Code 5309).
However, we need to know exactly what you are doing during your unproductive time. 
Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code list based on our observations of employee activities. 
The list will allow you to specify with a fair amount of precision what you are doing during your unproductive time.
Please begin using this job-code list immediately and let us know about any difficulties you encounter. 
Thank you,
The Management
Attached: Extended Job-Code List
Code and Explanation:
5316: Useless Meeting
5317: Obstructing Communications at Meeting
5318: Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in Meeting
5319: Waiting for Break
5320: Waiting for Lunch
5321: Waiting for End of Day
5322: Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Co-worker
5323: Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Co-worker While Co-worker is Not Present
5393: Covering for Incompetence of Co-worker Friend
5400: Trying to Explain Concept to Co-worker Who is Not Interested in Learning
5401: Trying to Explain Concept to Co-worker Who is Stupid
5402: Trying to Explain Concept to Co-worker Who Hates You
5481L: Buying Snack
5482: Eating Snack
5483: Stealing Co-workers Snack
5500: Filling Out Timesheet
5501: Inventing Timesheet Entries
5502: Waiting for Something to Happen
5503: Scratching Yourself
5504: Sleeping
5510: Feeling Bored
5511: Feeling Horny
5600: Complaining About Lousy Job
5601: Complaining About Low Pay
5602: Complaining About Long Hours
5603: Complaining About Coworker (See Codes #5322 & #5323)
5604: Complaining About Boss
5605: Complaining About Personal Problems
5640: Miscellaneous Unproductive Complaining
5701: Not Actually Present At Job
5702: Hiding from Boss
6206: Gossip
6207: Planning a Social Event (e.g. vacation, wedding, drug or sex orgy etc.)
6210: Feeling Sorry For Yourself
6211: Updating Resume
6212: Faxing Resume to Another Employer/Headhunter
6213: Out of Office on Interview
6221: Pretending to Work While Boss Is Watching
6222: Pretending to Enjoy Your Job
6223: Pretending You Like Co-worker
6224: Pretending You Like Important People When in Reality They are Jerks
6238: Miscellaneous Unproductive Fantasizing
6350: Playing Pranks on the New Guy/Girl
6601: Running your own Business on Company Time (See Code #6603)
6602: Complaining
6603: Writing a Book on Company Time
6611: Staring Into Space
6612: Staring At Computer Screen
6615: Transcendental Meditation
7281: Extended Visit to the Bathroom (at least 10 minutes)
7400: Talking With Divorce Lawyer on Phone
7401: Talking With Plumber on Phone
7402: Talking With Dentist on Phone
7403; Talking With Doctor on Phone
7404: Talking With Masseuse on Phone
7405: Talking With House Painter on Phone
7406: Talking With Personal Therapist on Phone
7419: Talking With Miscellaneous Paid Professional on Phone
7425: Talking With Mistress/Boy-Toy on Phone
7931: Asking Co-worker to Aid You in an Illicit Activity
8000: Recreational Drug Use
8001: Non-recreational Drug Use
8002: Liquid Lunch
8100: Reading e-mail
8101: Committing Suicide (Please foward reasons for failure)

New Diseases Identified

Named Disease:
HAJ (Had-a-job) Syndrome
Symptoms:
Being made redundant through no fault of your own, suicidal feelings, lack of food, and the disappearance of respect.
Most at Risk:
The proletariat, anyone not related to, a banker or a friend of a Politician, the unemployed, the millions of immigrants both legal and otherwise, the impecunious, the uneducated youths of today, and the educated youths of today without rich family connections.
Area's most affected:
The North - Midlands.

Named Disease:
Spooninthegobatbirthness
Symptoms: A snottiness and uncaring attitude develops that cannot be countered. The bank balance and overseas investment accounts increase exponentially.
Most at Risk:
Royalty, Aristocracy, Politicians, Footballers, and the Right Honourable William Hague MP (Conservative) First Secretary of State, Secretary of State for Foreign and Commonwealth Affairs.
Area's most affected:
The rich 10% of the population.

Named Disease:
A.A.D.(Alcoholic Addiction Dysrhythmia)
Symptoms:
Finding you have not got any alcoholic addictions, and the concern and worry you get about being so different to everyone else.
Most at Risk:
Those under the age of eight.
Area's most affected:
Nursery schools.

Named Disease:
Monetary Cystitis
Symptoms:
It is extremely painful, nigh on impossible for you to repay money owed by you.
Most at Risk:
Politicians, Dentists, Lawyers, Bankers, Haliburton, and Taxi Drivers.
Area's most affected:
Nationwide.

Named Disease:
Hope Alopecia
Symptoms:
A sudden realisation that all hope is lost, other than for the War Mongers, Politicians, bankers, and Haliburton and other nepotistic clans.
Most at Risk:
Everyone not connected with the above.
Area's most affected:
Anywhere with any businesses still owned and ran by English management, so as you can tell, there are scarce.

Named Disease:
Compassion Deficiency Anemia
Symptoms: You couldn't give a toss about anyone else.
Most at Risk: Most predominant in Parliament, and Lawyers offices, although likley to be found anywhere.
Area's most affected:
Virtually throughout the world.

Named Disease:
Cacospysy (Irregular pulse)
Symptoms:
Panic attacks at Government Budget announcement time.
Most at Risk:
The poor.
Area's most affected:
The North and Midlands of the UK.

Named Disease:
EDD Early Decrepitude disease
Symptoms: Sudden realisation that the poor are getting poorer, and the Rich are getting richer.
Most at Risk:
Those who are poor and getting poorer.
Area's most affected:
Worldwide: In the event that you should feel or find any of the above symptoms coming on, do not consult your Doctor who will be too rich to be bothered to understand your frustrations and problems.
You should consider suicide, alcoholism, hibernation, or becoming a Politician.

200+ Quotes on Marriage

1
Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence - a life sentence!
2
Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached!
3
Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind!
4
Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters!
5
Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes!
6
Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit!
7
Marriage is not just a having a wife, but also worries inherited forever!
8
Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of "rings":
* The Engagement Ring
* The Wedding Ring
* The Suffe-Ring
* The Endu-Ring
9:
Married life is full of excitement and frustration:
* In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
* In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
* In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen!
10
It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye-opener!
11
Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that!
12
It's true that all men are born free and equal, but some of them get married!
13
There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced!
14
A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes!
15
Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad?
Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it!
16
Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries.
Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere!
17
There was a man who said, "I never knew what happiness was until I got married...and then it was too late!"
18
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock!
19
They say when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage, it is in self-defence!
20
When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why?
21
There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through hell!
22
A Code of Honour: Never approach a friend's girlfriend or wife with mischief as your goal. There are just too many women in the world to justify that sort of dishonourable behaviour. Unless she's really attractive. -- Bruce Friedman
23
A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage. -- Marvin Kitman
24
A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present!
25
A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke!
26
A husband is what's left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted. -- Helen Rowland
27
A man must marry only a very pretty woman in case he should ever want some other man to take her off his hands. -- Guitry
28
Ah Mozart! He was happily married - but his wife wasn't. -- Borge
29
Always talk to your wife while you're making love... if there's a phone handy!
30
An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her. -- Agatha Christie
31
And I shall love thee still my dear, Until my wife is wise!
32
Bachelor: the only man who has never told his wife a lie!
33
Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her!
34
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. -- Socrates
35
I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't!
36
The appropriate age for marriage is around eighteen for girls and thirty-seven for men.
37
Diplomat: A man who can convince his wife she would look stout in a fur coat.
38
Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper!
39
English Law prohibits a man from marrying his mother-in-law. This is our idea of useless legislation!
40
Feminists are OK, I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one.
41
He who knows nothing, knows nothing. But he who knows he knows nothing knows something. And he who knows someone whose friend's wife's brother knows nothing, he knows something. Or something like that!
42
Honolulu - it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother. -- Ken Dodd
43
Husband: a man who buys his football tickets four months in advance and waits until December 24 to do his Christmas shopping!
44
I am in total control, but don't tell my wife!
45
I belong to Bridegrooms Anonymous. Whenever I feel like getting married, they send over a lady in a housecoat and hair curlers to burn my toast for me. -- Dick Martin
46
I do not see the EEC as a great love affair. It is more like nine desperate middle-ages couples with failing marriages meeting at a Brussels hotel for a group grope. -- Tynan
47
I think of my wife and I think of Lot, and I think of the lucky break he got!
48
I tried a mail order bride, once, but she was damaged in the mail, and I had to return the unused part for my full refund!
49
I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about 'short' and 'cheap'? -- Phyllis Diller
50
I've been trying desperately to save my marriage for the last 35 years!
51
If all men were brothers, would you let one marry your sister?
52
If you are afraid of loneliness, do not marry. -- Chekhov
53
If you never want to see a man again, say, "I love you, I want to marry you, I want to have children..." - they leave skid marks. -- Rita Rudner
54
If your wife wants to learn how to drive, don't stand in her way!
55
In marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage of the enemy!
56
In marriage, the bridge gets a shower. But for the groom, it's curtains!
57
Joint Checking Account: a handly little device which permits my wife to beat me to the draw!
58
Long engagements give people the opportunity of finding out each other's character before marriage, which is never advisable. -- Oscar Wilde
59
Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible!
60
Love thy neighbour, but make sure her husband is away first!
61
Love: An obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage!
62
Man and wife make one fool!
63
Many a wife thinks her husband is the world's greatest lover. But she can never catch him at it!
64
Marriage is a matter of give and take, but so far I haven't been able to find anybody who'll take what I have to give. -- Cass Daley
65
Marriage is a mutual relationship if both parties know when to be mute!
66
Marriage is a rest period between romances!
67
Getting married for sex is like buying a 747 for the free peanuts!
68
Marriage is a trip between Niagara Falls and Reno!
69
Marriage is an institution--but who wants to live in an institution?
70
Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Ergo...
71
Marriage is like a hot bath. Once you get used to it, it's not so hot!
72
Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out!
73
Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it.
74
Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred!
75
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret!
76
Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity?
77
Marriage still confers one very special privilege - only a married person can get divorced.
78
Marriage: A ceremony in which rings are put on the finger of the lady and around the hands and feet of the man!
79
Marriage: the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the licence!
80
Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on Earth. -- John Lyly
81
Marry not a tennis player. For love means nothing to them!
82
May you be too good for the world and not good enough for your wife!
83
May you grow so rich your widow's second husband never has to worry about a living, God forbid!
84
May you live happily ever after with a poor, ugly, shrewish wife!
85
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her." -- Rodney Dangerfield
86
May your wife be a witch who takes after her mother, and may you all live together in a one-room house!
87
Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier. --H.L. Mencken
88
My darling wife was always glum. I drowned her in a cask of rum, And so made sure that she would stay, In better spirits night and day.
89
My opinions are my wife's, and she says I'm lucky to have them.
90
Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits and then complain that he's not the man she married?” -- Barbra Streisand
91
My wife doesn't care what I do away from home, as long as I don't enjoy it!
92
My wife has a split personality, and I hate both of them!
93
My wife ran off with my best friend last week. I do miss him!
94
My wife says if I go fishing one more time she's going to leave me. Gosh, I'm going to miss her!
95
My wife submits and I obey; she always lets me have her way!
96
Never be unfaithful to a lover, except with your wife. -- PJ O'Rourke
97
No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman. -- Honore de Balzac
98
Nothing says loving like marrying your cousin! -- Al Bundy
99
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me!
100
Nuns: Women who marry God. If they divorce Him, do they get half the universe?
101
Perfection is what American women expect to find in their husbands, but English women only hope to find in their butlers. -- W. Somerset Maugham
102
When a man opens the car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife! -- Prince Philip
103
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience!
104
Shotgun wedding: a case of wife or death?
105
Spinster: A bachelor's wife?
106
Suicide is belated acquiescence in the opinion of one's wife's relatives!
107
There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage." -- James Holt McGavran
108
The days just before marriage are like a snappy introduction to a tedious book!
109
To heck with marrying a girl who makes biscuits like her mother, I want to marry one who makes dough like her father!
110
The difference between marriage and death? Dead people are free!
111
I never married because I have three pets at home that answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night." -- Marie Corelli
112
The marriage of Marxism and feminism has been like the marriage of husband and wife depicted in English common law: Marxism and feminism are one, and that one is Marxism. -- Heidi Hartmann [The Unhappy Marriage of Marxism and Feminism]
113
The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman. -- S. T. Coleridge
114
The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away is your husband!
115
The theory used to be you marry an older man because they are more mature. The new theory is that men don't mature. So you might as well marry a younger one!
116
Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing… she goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays!
117
To keep your marriage brimming - With love in the marriage cup, Whenever you're wrong, admit it, Whenever you're right, shut up! -- Nash
118
Note on the side of a van: This delivery driver carries no money. His wife has it all!
119
We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife. -- Groucho Marx
120
We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart! -- H.L. Mencken
121
What's new? Most of my wife!
122
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. -- Guitry
123
When marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have inlaws.
124
Why bother with marriage? Just find a woman you hate and buy her a house!
125
A Wife: The perfect acquisition for any gentleman feeling himself to have excessive control over his personal affairs!
126
All marriages are happy--it's the living together afterwards that causes all the problems.
127
Did you hear about the scientist whose wife had twins? He baptized one and kept the other as a control!
128
Disclaimer: Even my wife doesn't agree with everything I say, and she loves me dearly. My employers don't love me nearly as much as she does. Draw your own conclusions!
129
It was very good of God to let Carlyle and Mrs Carlyle marry one another and so make only two people miserable instead of four, besides being very amusing!
130
May you be blessed with a wife so healthy and strong, she can pull the plow when your horse drops dead!
131
May you learn to perform miracles: earn a living and marry off your daughters!
132
My husband and I have never considered divorce... murder sometimes, but never divorce. -- Joyce Brothers
133
Sign in a marriage counselor's window: "Out to lunch - Think it over."
134
The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines. They gave him love and he invented marriage - the fools!
135
There is no realisable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the tools to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not abuse it. So it is written in the genetic cards - only physics and war hold him in check. And the wife who wants him home by five, of course. -- Encyclopaedia Apocryphia
136
Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit!
137
Marriage is like a phone call in the night: first the ring, and then you wake up!
138
My wife suggested a book for me to read to enhance our relationship. It’s titled, “Women are from Venus, Men are Wrong"!
139
When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
140
It’s a funny thing that when a man hasn't anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married?
141
Love is blind, marriage is the eye-opener.
142
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury?
143
I don’t worry about terrorism. I was married for two years!
144
A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he’s finished!
145
Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won’t even lay down his newspaper to talk to you!
146
There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.
147
Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, ‘You’re only interested in one thing,’ and you can’t remember what it is?
148
Marriage is give and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway!
149
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to!
150
The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his chequebook open!
151
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met!
152
I always hold hand my wifes - If I let go, she shops!
153
A man’s wife has more power over him than the state has!
154
In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker!
155
Marriage–a book of which the first chapter is written in poetry and the remaining chapters written in prose!
156
A bachelor is a man who never makes the same mistake once!
157
Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't, they’d be married too!
158
I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic!
159
I require only three things of a man. He must be handsome, ruthless and stupid!
160
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, and half-shut afterwards.
161
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married. And by then it was too late!
162
Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery!
163
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
164
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can’t face each other, but still they stay together!
165
Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere. -- Groucho Marx
166
For two people in a marriage to live together day after day is unquestionably the one miracle the Vatican has overlooked." -- Bill Cosby
167
A married man should forget his mistakes; no use two people remembering the same thing!” -- Duane Dewel.
168
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry!" -- Rita Rudner
169
Marriage is nature's way of keeping us from fighting with strangers!" -- Alan King
170
It's scary that 50% of all marriages end in divorce... it's even scarier that the other 50% last forever!
171
There is one thing more exasperating than a wife who can cook and won't, and that's a wife who can't cook and will!
172
You could be married and bored or single and lonely - Ain't no happiness nowhere! -- Chris Rock
173
I married Miss Right - I just didnt know her first name was Always!
174
Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invaribly they are both disappointed. -- Albert Einstein
175
They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning! -- Clint Eastwood
176
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight! -- Phyllis Diller
177
Marriage changes passion ... suddenly you're in bed with a relative!
178
A man may be a fool and not know it, but not if he is married. -- H. L. Mencken
179
A psychiatrist will ask you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing! -- Joey Adams
180
A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person! --  Mignon McLaughlin
188
A wedding is just like a funeral except that you get to smell your own flowers! -- Grace Hansen
189
Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him. -- Marilyn Monroe
190
Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? - It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means. -- Henny Youngman
191
Getting divorced just because you don't love a man is almost as silly as getting married just because you do! -- Zsa Zsa Gabor
192
I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. First, let her think she's having her own way. And second, let her have it. -- President Lyndon B. Johnson
193
It isn't tying himself to one woman that a man dreads when he thinks of marrying; it's separating himself from all the others. -- Helen Rowland
194
Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can't sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can't sleep with the window open! -- George Bernard Shaw
195
Never feel remorse for what you have thought about your wife; she has thought much worse things about you. -- Jean Rostand
196
No man is regular in his attendance at the House of Commons until he is married. -- Benjamin Disraeli
197
Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then. -- Katharine Hepburn
198
The Wedding March always reminds me of the music played when soldiers go into battle! --  Heinrich Heine
199
When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there's a reason! -- Molly McGee
200
Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings ... and lawyers! -- Richard Prior
201
In many instances, marriage vows would be more accurate if the phrase were changed to 'Until debt do us part'! -- Sam Ewing
202
The Three Ages of Marriage: Twenty is when you watch the TV after sex. Forty is when you watch the TV during sex, and Sixty is when you watch the TV instead of sex! -- Griselda Plunkett
203
My husband and I didn't sign a pre-nuptial agreement. We signed a mutual suicide pact! -- Roseanne Barr
204
The best way to get husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they are too old to do it! -- Shirley MacLaine
205
A dress that zips up the back will bring a husband and wife together! -- James H. Boren 
206
All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner! -- Red Skelton
207
After seven years of marriage, I am sure of two things. First, never wallpaper together, and second, you’ll need two bathrooms–both for her! -- Dennis Miller

Jokes about the NHS - Part One

1:
Q) What's the difference between Harold Shipman and David Cameron?
A) Shipman actually did something about NHS waiting lists!


2:
News reports today tell that NHS hospitals are "plagued by vermin and pests".
Well we allowed the Coalition to be formed!


3:
A Lady rings her local hospital and this conversation follows:

Lady:

Hello I'd like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree. She was admitted last week with chest pains and I just want to know if her condition has deteriorated, stabilised or improved?
Hospital:

Do you know which ward she is in?
Lady:

Yes, ward P, room 2B.
Hospital:

I'll just put you through to the nurse station.
Nurse:

Hello ward P, how can I help?
Lady:

I would just like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree, I was wondering if her condition had deteriorated, stabilised or improved?
Nurse:

I'll just check her notes... I'm pleased to say that Mrs Tiptree's conditioned has improved. She has regained her appetite, her temperature has steadied and after some routine checks tonight, she should be well enough to go home tomorrow.
Lady:

Oh that's wonderful news, I'm so happy, thank you ever so much!
Nurse:

You seem very relieved, are you a close friend or relative?
Lady:

No, I'm Mrs Tiptree in room 2b.... Nobody tells you sod all in here...!

4:
The Government has refused proper health care to many elderly citizens due to their advancing  years.
It is a worrying problem for many but help is at hand.

Join the new George Osborne/Andrew Lansley new free care plan today!

Anyone 60 years or older, you can apply.

All new members will receive a gun and four bullets.
You are allowed to shoot one MP (two if you live in England), one MSP (if you live 
in Scotland), one councillor and just to be sure of a long sentence, someone you really don't like and think the world could do without.
As part of the plan, you will leave enough evidence to make sure you are caught and in due course will be sent to prison.

There you will get a safe central heated environment, three meals a day, lots of company, free TV and an assortment of games plus - most importantly - all the health care you need!
New teeth needed? No problem.
New glasses? They'll be provided free of charge.
New hip, knees, kidney, lung, heart? They're all covered too!

But, I can hear you ask, who will pay for all of this?

Well, the same Coalition government that told you they cannot afford your current health care!
And as an added bonus, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay income tax anymore.
There is even the chance you may be able to claim for infringements of your Human Rights,  leaving money for your loved ones!The United Kingdom! - A GREAT country or what?

5:
"Male doctors earn £15,000 a year more than women, study reveals"

Well there you go Langley, you can solve the NHS budget deficit by only employing cheap female doctors. Not only would this save millions, it would make my ideal porn fantasy one step closer.


6:
"Male doctors earn £15,000 a year more than women, study reveals"
Well there you go  Andrew Lansley, you can solve the NHS budget deficit by only employing cheap female doctors.
Not only would this save millions, it would make my ideal porn fantasy one step closer!


7:
My Grandma always used to say, 'You get what you paid for'.
I find it fitting that she died while in the care of the NHS.


8:
I left the dentist's unable to speak, sweating, red faced and drooling like a spastic.
An old lady said, "What's the matter, love? Have you had some work done?"
I said, "Nah, as the receptionist leaned forward to give me an appointment form one of her tits fell out!"


9:
The missus wanted to try some NHS doctor/patient role play.
So I made her wait a week for a bed then let her contract MRSA.


10:
You've gotta love the sense of humour of the NHS cleaners. 
Foot pedal bins in disabled toilets are a work of genius!