Senior Citizens Funnies!

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch-way floor.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage bin under the table, and notice that the bin is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my cheque book off the table, and see that there is only one cheque left.

My extra cheques are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.

I'm going to look for my cheques, but first I need to move the Coke so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm and decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye - they need to be watered.
I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realise that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but won't remember it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the living room where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get a mop to wipe up the spill. Finding my hearing aids in the cleaning cupboard.

Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

* The car isn't washed,

* The bills aren't paid,

* There is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter,

* The flowers don't have enough water,

* There is still only 1 cheque in my checkbook,

* I can't find the remote,

* I can't find my glasses,

* And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired

I realise this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

Do me a favour, will you?

Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember to whom it has been sent.

Don't laugh - if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!

 I noticed this elderly man about 75- 80 years old sitting on a bench near the shopping centre and he was sobbing his eyes out

When I went to lunch today, I noticed this elderly man about 75- 80 years old sitting on a bench near the shopping centre and he was sobbing his eyes out.

I stopped and asked him what was wrong. He said: “I have a 22 year old wife at home.

She makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground brewed coffee!"

I said: 'Well, then why are you crying?"

He said, "She makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favourite biscuits, and then makes love to me half the afternoon."

I said: 'Well, so why are you crying?"

He said: "For dinner she makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favourite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m."

I said: "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"

He said: "I can't remember where I live."

A very elderly but bright-eyed gentleman... 

A very elderly but bright-eyed gentleman, very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of after shave, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.

Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady tricked out in a modest but very becoming cocktail dress.

The gentleman walks over, sits alongside of her, orders a drink, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office... 

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and charged them £50.

This happened several weeks in a row - The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house.

The Holiday Inn charges £90. The Hilton charges £108. We do it here for £50, and I get £43 back from BUPA!"

Walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch...

A boy was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.

"Grandpa what are you doing?" he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him.

"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck - This is your Grandma's idea!"

Two old ladies, one somewhat hard of hearing...

Two old ladies, one somewhat hard of hearing, decided to have their portraits taken.

The photographer welcomed them to his studio and said, "Please take a seat, ladies."
The deaf lady asked her friend, "What did he say?"
"He would like us to sit down."
Then the photographer asked, "Can you please sit closer so I can focus the camera?"
"What did he say?"
"He's going to focus!"
"What, both of us?"

Grandpa and Grandma were living with their son and daughter-in-law...

Grandpa noticed that his son had a bottle of Viagra and asked if he could have one.

His son said, "Dad, I don't think you should take one - they're very strong and expensive."
Grandpa said, "I know, but I want to try one. How much are they?"
His son replied, "£10 each."
Grandpa only had a £50 bill but was going to the bank.

He told his son that he would leave £10 under his pillow that night.
The next morning his son found £110 under his pillow and said, "Dad, I told you it was only £10. There's £110 under my pillow!"
Grandpa said, "That's ok, the other £100 is from Grandma!"

I wish she was still fit enough to take me for a walkies!

If my body was a car...

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model.

I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull,
but that's not the worst of it.

My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close.

My traction is not as graceful as it once was.
I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.
My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.

It takes me hours to reach my reduced maximum speed.

My fuel rate burns inefficiently.
But here's the worst of it:

Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter..... either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!

The groom was 95 and the bride was 23...

A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23.
The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.
But low and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life.
She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel.
The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!"
The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, "Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years, and I thought he meant his money!"

Growing Old Advice and Quotes:

Get ready for work, go to your old workplace and feel the joy!

Draw up an annual leave slip for yourself with leave granted on every day of the year.

Some of your friends may still be working, so don't rub it in about the tough day you've had visiting the National Trust tearooms.

Retirement is a miracle cure - You will never again have a mystery 'illness' that requires you to have a day of work.

It doesn't matter to you now if the government decides to increase the retirement age!

What's the typical pensioner's idea of intense physical exercise? - A brisk sit!

There are numerous advantages in being sixty-five, just ask any eighty-two year old!

You're over the hill when your back goes out more than you do!

You're getting old when there's no question in your mind that there's no question in your mind!

You finally got my head together, now your body is falling apart! 

Funny, you don't remember being absent minded!

If all is not lost, where is it?

It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser!

Right now your having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time

You think you might have forgotten this before.

It is time you stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man!

Research shows...

Research indicates that children smile or laugh 400 times per day, adults smile or laugh 15 or less times per day and think negative ideas 75% of the time.

Laughter benefits the body, mind and intellect and the dominant emotions of pleasure, peace, love, and joy.

It can control high blood pressure and heart disease and strengthens the immune system.

It is the best exercise for bronchitis and asthma by improving the lung capacity and oxygen level in the blood …and reduce Snoring because laughter is very good for the muscles of the soft palate and throat!

Roger Marries at 85...

At 85 years of age, Roger married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old.
Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock' on the door.
Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action.
They unite as one.
All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Roger, Again he is ready for more 'action'.
Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling.
When the newly weds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Roger Is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action'.
And, once more they enjoy each other.
But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I Am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often.
I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger.'
Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was here before?'

The moral of the story : Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has Its advantages.

An Elderly Gentleman...

Had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.
Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'

The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.

I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my Will three times!'

 

 An elderly couple had dinner at a friends house...

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'

The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'

The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?

You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'

'Do you mean a rose?'

'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man.

He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

Hospital regulations...

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged.However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.

On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

'I don't know,' he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown!"

A couple in their 90's are having problems remembering... 

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure.'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,

The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.

'Where's my toast?'

So, Your getting married?

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: 'So I hear you're getting married?'

'Yep!'

'Do I know her?'

'Nope!'

'This woman, is she good looking?'

'Not really.'

'Is she a good cook?'

'Naw, she can't cook too well.'

'Does she have lots of money?'

'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'

'Well, then, is she good in bed?'

'I don't know.'

'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'

'Because she can still drive!'

Three old guys are out walking...

First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'

Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'

Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'

A man was telling his neighbour...

"I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me two thousand pounds, but it's state of the art. It's perfect!"

"Really," answered the neighbour
"What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty!"

 

An elderly couple in their Skoda Estelle... 

An elderly couple were driving in their beloved Skoda Estelle, the wife driving.

They are pulled over by the traffic police.

The Officer says "Did you realise that you were speeding back there?"

The woman being slightly deaf , turns to her husband and asks,

"What did he say?"

The old man shouts,

"He says you were speeding."

The officer says ,

"May I see your license?"

The old woman turns to her husband and asks,

"What did he say."

The old man shouts,

"He wants to see your licence."

The woman gives him her licence.

The officer says,

"I see you are from Fareham. I spent some time there once, had the worst sex with a woman I have ever had!"

The woman turns to her husband and asks,

"What did he say."

The old man yells,

"He thinks he knows you !"

Every picture tells a story!

Perks of Old Age:

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.

4. People call at 9 PM and ask, “Did I wake you?”

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won’t wear out.

8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.

9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.

10. You enjoy hearing about other people’s operations.

11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

12. You have a party and the neighbours don’t even realise it.

13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

15. You sing along with elevator music.

16. Your eyes won’t get much worse.

17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the Met Office.

19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.

20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

21. You can’t remember if you've forgotten anything. 

22. The Free bus pass!

23. You can take out your hearing aids for a bit of peace and quiet!

24. Eat, drink, sleep whenever it suits you!

25. You can remember when the Queen was worth only £199m.

26. Nobody listens to you, but that's alright, you most likely forgotten what you were going to say anyway!

A fellow was invited to the home of some old friends for dinner...

His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.
The guest was impressed since the couple had been married almost 70 years, and while the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his friend, "I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those lovely names!"

The old guy hung his head.

"To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about ten years ago!"

The Rhyming ABC of Aging:

A for arthritis

B for bad back
C is for chest pains.  (Perhaps cardiac?)
D is for dental decay and decline
E is for eyesight--can't read that top line
F is for fissures and fluid retention
G is for gas (which I'd rather not mention)
H high blood pressure (I'd rather have low) 
I for incisions with scars you can show
J is for joints, that now fail to flex 
L for libido - what happened to sex? 
Wait! I forgot about K! 
K is for my knees that crack when they're bent!
N for neurosis, pinched nerves and stiff neck 
O is for osteo - and all bones that crack 
P for prescriptions, I have quite a few Give me another pill; I'll be good as new! 
Q is for queasiness. Fatal or flu?
R is for reflux - one meal turns into two
S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears

T for tinnitus - I hear bells in my ears 
U is for urinary: difficulties with flow 
V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy", you know?
W is worry, now what's going 'round?
X is for X ray - and what might be found
Y for another year I've left behind 
Z is for zest that I still have my mind, Have survived all the symptoms my body's deployed And kept twenty-six doctors gainfully employed!