Code of Ethical Behaviour For NHS Patients

Code of Ethical Behaviour For NHS Patients

Dr Bartholomew Utterswaithe RAC, RAOB, & Chairman of the Nottingham Medical Alcoholics Appreciation Society. would like to present his proposed Behaviour Code for NHS Patients. This was prepared in response to and in support of the Coalition Governments cut-backs. 

Code 1:

Do not expect your doctor to share your discomfort.

Involvement with the patient's suffering might cause him to lose valuable scientific objectivity and drinking time.

Code 2:

Be cheerful at all times.

Your doctor leads a busy and trying life, and requires all the gentleness and reassurance

he can get.

Code 3: 

Try to suffer from the disease for which you are being treated.

NHS Patients dying of undiagnosed conditions is increasing, so please do your bit.

Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to uphold.

Code 4:

Do not complain if the treatment fails to bring relief.

You must believe that your doctor has achieved a deep insight into the true nature of your illness, which transcends any mere permanent disability, loss of blood, or use of limbs you may have experienced.

Code 5:

Never ask your doctor to explain what he is doing or why he is doing it.

It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be easily explained in terms that you would understand. Making such inquiries also make them late for their afternoon golf sessions, and can lead to their suffering with indigestion!

Code 6:

Submit to novel experimental treatment readily.

Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the resulting research paper will surely be of widespread interest within the Medical profession.

Code 7:

Please leave your tips at the ward reception on leaving.

You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however modestly, to the

well-­being of physicians and other humanitarians.

Code 8:

Keep the noise down.

When you are released from the ward after your surgery at 0500hrs, to avoid waking the other patients, who may then require drinking water, toileting, or even ring their bedside bell disturbing the staff playing snooker in the rest room.

Code 9:

Never reveal any of the shortcomings that have come to light in the course of treatment by your doctor.

The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one, and you have a sacred duty to protect him from exposure.

Code 10:

Never die while in your doctor‘s presence or under his direct care.

It's alright for you, you'll be gone and out of it, but this will only cause him needless inconvenience and embarrassment. They can get headaches you know!

Code 11:

In the event of your being given the wrong medications, be patient.

Realise how many of you there are, compared to them - don't expect miracles, they don't!

Code 12:

Women patients please remember.

That Galactorrhea is leaking milk from the nipples, and not a sexually transmitted disease. This will help the doctors by reducing the insults thrown at them.