The British Medical Association has weighed in on the proposed health care reforms:
1)
The Allergists have voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists have advised not to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists have a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists think the government have a lot of nerve.
The Obstetricians feel they are labouring under a misconception, while Ophthalmologists consider the idea short-sighted.
Pathologists have come out strongly declaring, 'Over my dead body', while the Paediatricians said 'Oh Grow up'.
The Psychiatrists think the whole idea is madness, while the Radiologists can see right through it.
Surgeons are fed up with the cuts and have decided to wash their hands of the issue. ENT specialists won't swallow the proposals and just won't hear about it.
Pharmacologists think that it is a bitter pill to swallow, whilst Plastic Surgeons have observed, 'that this puts a whole new face on the matter'.
The Podiatrists think it is a big step forwards, but the Urologists are pissed off with the whole idea, whilst the Anaesthetists think the whole idea is a gas.
Meanwhile the Cardiologists don't have the heart to say no.
In the end the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision to the Arseholes in London.
2)
3)
What's all this shit I'm hearing about the new health lottery starting this weekend?
We've had a health lottery in this country for years - it's called the NHS!
4)
The NHS have teamed up with a national company as their new providers of oxygen bags.
Walkers Crisps, have announced they are thrilled to have clinched the deal!
5)
I think the Government could get more men to eat their 5 a day by saying it increases your cock size and advertise it on porn sites!
6)
These are sentences actually typed by Medical secretaries in NHS Greater Glasgow
1. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.
3. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
4. She has no rigours or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.
7.. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
9. Discharge status:- Alive, but without my permission.
10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
12. She is numb from her toes down.
13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
14. The skin was moist and dry.
15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.
19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy.
20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
21 Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.
24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities
.
27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
28. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.
29. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
30. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
31. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
32. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
33. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
You've got to laugh!
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