Workplace Jokes

New Workplace Vocabulary Dictionary (PG)

Adminisphere:
The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
Assmosis:
The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
Aquadextrous:
Possessing the ability to get a drink from the water cooler, talk with a colleague, and forget what you were doing all at the same time.
Blamestorming:
Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, who was responsible, and who to blame!
Crop Dusting:
Surreptitiously farting while passing through a Cube Farm.
Cube Farm:
An office filled with cubicles.
Disconfecting:
The art of sterilising the piece of confection (lollipop/chewing gum) you dropped under your desk on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.
Doitmyway:
Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them!
Irritainment:
Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them on your computer at work.
Lackability:
Inability to put forth the effort required to complete any task.
Lactomangulation:
Manhandling the "open here" spout on your milk container so badly that you have to resort to the 'illegal' side.
Ohnosecond:
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realise that you've just made a cock-up that will be remembered by others more than Richard Nixon's, Hilter's, and Nick Clegg's gaff's!
Mouse Potato:
The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
Percussive Maintenance:
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again, while uttering forth venomous curses!
Phoneclientesia:
The affliction of dialing a client's phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
Prairie Meerkating:
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a Cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
Salmon Day:
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
Seagull Manager:
A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
Sitcoms:
Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.
Stress Puppy:
A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiney.
Swipeout:
An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
Worrayousayboss?:
It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're saying
WOOF'S:
Well-off Older Folks.
404:
Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message “404 Not Found,” meaning that the requested document could not be located.

My Boss...

Said:

"We are going to continue having these meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done"

Quote from my Boss:

"I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you!"

My Bosses motivational sign at work:

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

A direct quote from my Boss:

"We passed over a lot of good people to get the ones we hired."

My Boss frequently gets lost in thought:

That's because it's unfamiliar territory!

My Boss said to me:

"What you see as a glass ceiling, I see as a protective barrier!"

My Boss needs a surge protector:

That way her mouth would be buffered from surprise spikes in her brain!

I thought my Boss was a bastard, and quit, to work for myself:

My new Boss is a bastard, too ... but at least I respect him.

My Boss has given automobile accident victims new hope for recovery:

He walks, talks and performs rudimentary tasks, all without the benefit of a Spine!

Some people climb the ladder of success:

My Boss walked under it!

Quote from the Boss after overriding the decision of a task force he created to find a solution:

"I'm sorry if I ever gave you the impression your input would have any effect on my decision for the outcome of this project!"

Quote from telephone inquiry:

"We're hiring only one summer intern this year and we won't start interviewing candidates for that position until the Boss' daughter finishes her summer classes.

Cryptic Notes From Your Boss Explained:

"See me and give me the benefit of your thinking on this!"

"I'm not taking the can for this one on my own!"

"For your consideration."

"I can't make head or tail of it!"

"Please note and initial."

"If anything goes wrong, we're all in this together!"

"Let's take a survey among senior management!"

"I haven't a clue what we should do - let someone else decide!"

"Will you take a look at this and let me have an in-depth report in due course!"

"If we can stall for long enough, perhaps everybody will forget all about it!"

Identifying wasted work time.

TO: All personnel
FROM: The Management 
It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in timesheets that specify large amounts of "Miscellaneous Unproductive Time" (Code 5309).
However, we need to know exactly what you are doing during your unproductive time. 
Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code list based on our observations of employee activities. 
The list will allow you to specify with a fair amount of precision what you are doing during your unproductive time.
Please begin using this job-code list immediately and let us know about any difficulties you encounter. 
Thank you,
The Management
Attached: Extended Job-Code List
Code and Explanation:
5316: Useless Meeting
5317: Obstructing Communications at Meeting
5318: Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in Meeting
5319: Waiting for Break
5320: Waiting for Lunch
5321: Waiting for End of Day
5322: Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Co-worker
5323: Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Co-worker While Co-worker is Not Present
5393: Covering for Incompetence of Co-worker Friend
5400: Trying to Explain Concept to Co-worker Who is Not Interested in Learning
5401: Trying to Explain Concept to Co-worker Who is Stupid
5402: Trying to Explain Concept to Co-worker Who Hates You
5481L: Buying Snack
5482: Eating Snack
5483: Stealing Co-workers Snack
5500: Filling Out Timesheet
5501: Inventing Timesheet Entries
5502: Waiting for Something to Happen
5503: Scratching Yourself
5504: Sleeping
5510: Feeling Bored
5511: Feeling Horny
5600: Complaining About Lousy Job
5601: Complaining About Low Pay
5602: Complaining About Long Hours
5603: Complaining About Coworker (See Codes #5322 & #5323)
5604: Complaining About Boss
5605: Complaining About Personal Problems
5640: Miscellaneous Unproductive Complaining
5701: Not Actually Present At Job
5702: Hiding from Boss
6206: Gossip
6207: Planning a Social Event (e.g. vacation, wedding, drug or sex orgy etc.)
6210: Feeling Sorry For Yourself
6211: Updating Resume
6212: Faxing Resume to Another Employer/Headhunter
6213: Out of Office on Interview
6221: Pretending to Work While Boss Is Watching
6222: Pretending to Enjoy Your Job
6223: Pretending You Like Co-worker
6224: Pretending You Like Important People When in Reality They are Jerks
6238: Miscellaneous Unproductive Fantasizing
6350: Playing Pranks on the New Guy/Girl
6601: Running your own Business on Company Time (See Code #6603)
6602: Complaining
6603: Writing a Book on Company Time
6611: Staring Into Space
6612: Staring At Computer Screen
6615: Transcendental Meditation
7281: Extended Visit to the Bathroom (at least 10 minutes)
7400: Talking With Divorce Lawyer on Phone
7401: Talking With Plumber on Phone
7402: Talking With Dentist on Phone
7403; Talking With Doctor on Phone
7404: Talking With Masseuse on Phone
7405: Talking With House Painter on Phone
7406: Talking With Personal Therapist on Phone
7419: Talking With Miscellaneous Paid Professional on Phone
7425: Talking With Mistress/Boy-Toy on Phone
7931: Asking Co-worker to Aid You in an Illicit Activity
8000: Recreational Drug Use
8001: Non-recreational Drug Use
8002: Liquid Lunch
8100: Reading e-mail
8101: Committing Suicide (Please foward reasons for failure)