Mixed Jokes

David Cameron at the Pearly Gates

(We can all dream!)

David Cameron received his bank statement, and died laughing.

His soul reaches the Paradise and found St. Peter at the gate, who said unto David "Welcome to Paradise! Before you could get in, there is a little problem. We rarely see politicians here, you know, so we do not know what to do with you..."

"I see, no problem just let me enter!" said David.

"I though I would like to let you in but I have higher orders as it's known… We will do the following: You pass one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. You can then choose where to spend eternity."

"It is not necessary, I have already decided. I want to stay in Heaven." David declared.

"Sorry, but we have our rules."

So, St. Peter takes David to the elevator and he comes down, down to Hell. The door opens up and he sees himself in the middle of a beautiful golf course.

In essence, the club where were all his friends and other politicians with whom he had worked. All very happy and smiling.

He was greeted, embraced and then they started to talk about the good times at Eton, then when they all got rich at the expense of the proletariat.

They played golf, relaxed, drank and then ate lobster and caviar.

Who was also present was the devil, a very friendly guy who spent all the time dancing and telling jokes. They enjoyed themselves so much that before they realised it was time to go.

After a lot of redundant hugs and words of farewell he enter into the elevator.

He rises, rises and the door opens up again. St. Peter was expecting him.

Now it's the time to visit the Heaven.

He spends 24 hours in paradise among a group of happy souls who go from cloud to cloud playing harps and singing. All went very well and before he noticed the day comes to an end and St. Peter returns.

"Now David what? You have spent one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Now choose your eternal home."

He thought for a minute and answered: "Look, I never thought to make this decision… The Paradise is very good but I think I'll be much better suited in Hell."

Then St. Peter takes him back to the elevator and he comes down, down to hell.

The door opens up and he saw himself in the midst of a massive ground full of garbage and a horrible smell. He saw all his friends with the clothes torn and very dirty searching the rubble and putting it in black bags. He also saw some of his friends in a violent dispute over some pieces of rotten food.

The devil put the arm by the politician's shoulder.

"I do not understand?" Mumbled David, "Yesterday I was here and it had a beautiful golf course, a club, lobster, caviar and we danced and had fun all the time. Now I see that it's only full of very smelly garbage and my friends are tattered, poor, desperate and poor!"

The devil looks at him. Smiles ironically and says:

"Yesterday we were in campaigning before the election. Now we have your vote... I'm sorry, this is the reality!"

Memories that make you think!

Published in aid of the Outer Peruvian Pregnant Kangaroo Appreciation Society, Nottingham Branch.

We have obtained from our Futurist Predictor, Mr I Seeitall, a list of comments passed on to the young of 2090, about the year 2050, for your entertainment, perusal, and education.

We hope these revelations will assist you all in your future sospital, and will be soloecal to all.

Mr Seeitall is available for consultations every sixth Wednesday of every month.

UK Memories
UK Memory One:
"Aye, I remember when we only had street riots once a day!"
UK Memory Two:
"I can remember what Petrol and Diesel were!"
UK Memory Three:
"I remember when you could buy a week's groceries for three people for under £1,400!"
UK Memory Four:
"I remember when you could post a letter for only £14, and it was delivered within a month!"
UK Memory Five:
"I remember when the banks first opened branches at Petrol Stations!"
UK Memory Six:
"I remember when cigarettes and tobacco were legal before prohibition!"
UK Memory Seven:
"I remember when Alcohol was dearer then tap water!"
UK Memory Eight:
"I remember when Politician were honest and reliable... not really, only kidding!"
UK Memory Nine:
"I remember when England last won a football match!"
UK Memory Ten:
"I remember when Policemen ate Pizzas and Kebabs!"
UK Memory Eleven:
"I can just remember when we used to drink tap water instead of the £127 a bottle of 1,977 times recycled water we do  today!"
UK Memory Twelve:
"I remember the EEC Fishing Policy, and when we had fish in the sea!"
UK Memory Thirteen:
"I remember when the UK had a vehicle manufacturing base, thanks to the Germans, Japanese, and Koreans!"
UK Memory Fourteen:
"I remember when the average pay was only £544 an hour!"
UK Memory Fifteen:
"I remember when the UK forces attacked the Shetland Isles... OK they lost, but they attacked them!"
UK Memory Sixteen:
"I remember reading that we used to have dock workers... whatever they were?"
UK Memory Seventeen:
"I remember when we had an aircraft carrier... we cold not afford to run it, but we had one!"
UK Memory Eighteen:
"I remember when the World Heavyweight Boxing Champion was a male!"
UK Memory Nineteen:
"I remember when dead bodies were cremated, and not recycled to feed the illegal immigrants!"
UK Memory Twenty:
"I remember when you were not arrested for smoking in public!"
UK Memory Twenty one:
"I remember the brave members of the SAS who were sent into a Nottingham nursery school to quell a riot by the pupils, I even went to their funerals!"




USA Memories
USA Memory One:
"I remember when you could buy a week's groceries for three people for $5,876!"
USA Memory Two
"I remember when you could mail a letter for only $314!"
USA Memory Three
"I remember when Politician were honest and reliable... not really, only kidding!"
USA Memory Four
"I remember when we had a Redskin President!"
USA Memory Five
"I remember when Policemen ate doughnuts!"
USA Memory Six
"I can just remember when we used to drink tap water instead of the $327 a bottled of 1,947 times recycled water we do  today!"
USA Memory Seven
"I remember when American's drove American cars, before they became extinct!"
USA Memory Eight
"I remember when folk could get to see the Doctor or Dentist for less than $4,559 a session!"
USA Memory Nine
"I remember when spectators stayed awake at Baseball games!"
USA Memory Ten
"I remember when the average pay was only $1,744 an hour!"
USA Memory Eleven
"I remember reading that we used to to be a world power!"
USA Memory Twelve
"I remember when the World Heavyweight Boxing Champion was a male!"
USA Memory Thirteen
"I remember when dead bodies were cremated, and not recycled to feed the illegal immigrants!"
USA Memory Fourteen
"I remember when cars were allowed in New New New York!"
USA Memory Fifteen
"I remember when the population of America was less than 9,345 million!"
USA Memory Sixteen
"I remember when Members of the Senate listened to voters... okay, I'm lying on this one!"
USA Memory Seventeen
"I remember when you could breath on the streets of New New New York without an oxygen mask!"
USA Memory Eighteen
"I remember when we did not have armed guards in watchtowers at out schools!"
USA Memory Nineteen
"I can remember a time that the Government did not dispense free Outer Mongolian Heroin sachets to the school students!"
USA Memory Twenty
"I can recall when telephone numbers had less than 34 digits!"
USA Memory Twenty-one
"I remember when cigarettes and tobacco were legal before prohibition!"

122 Reasons why Chocolate is better than Sex for Women

(*From a woman!)

1:
The average piece of chocolate is at least six inches long.
2:
Chocolates stay hard for a week.
3:
Chocolate won't tell you size doesn't count.
4:
Chocolates don't get too excited.
5:
A chocolate never suffers from performance anxiety.
6:
Chocolates are easy to pick up.
7:
You can fondle chocolates in a supermarket - ...and you know how firm it is before you take it home.
8:
Chocolates can get away any weekend.
9:
With a chocolate you can get a single room - ...and you won't have to check in as "Mrs. Chocolate".
10:
A chocolate will always respect you in the morning.
11:
You can go to the movie with a chocolate ... and see the movie.
12:
At a drive-in, you can stay in the front seat.
Chocolate can always wait until you get home.
13:
A chocolate won't eat all the popcorn - ... or send you out for Milk Duds.
14:
A chocolate won't drag you to a John Wayne film festival.
15:
A chocolate won't ask: "Am I the first!"
16:
Chocolates don't care if you are a virgin.
17:
Chocolates won't tell other chocolates you're a virgin.
18:
Chocolates won't tell anyone your not a virgin anymore.
19:
With chocolates, you don't have to be a virgin more than once.
20:
Chocolates won't write your name and number on the men's room wall.
21:
Chocolates don't have sex hangups.
22:
Chocolates won't make you wear kinky clothes.
23:
Chocolates won't go to bed with boots on.
24:
Chocolates aren't into rope or leather.
35:
You can have as many chocolates as you can handle.
36:
You only eat chocolates when you feel like it.
37:
Chocolates never need a round of applause.
38:
Chocolates won't ask: Am I the best? How was it?
39:
Chocolates aren't jealous of your Gynecologist, or hair dresser.
40:
A chocolate won't want to join your support group.
41:
A chocolate never wants to improve your mind.
42:
Chocolates aren't into meaningful conversations.
43:
Chocolates won't ask about your last lover - ...or speculate about your next one.
44:
A chocolate will never make a scene because there are other chocolates in the refrigerator.
45:
A chocolate won't mind hiding in the refrigerator when your mother comes.
46:
No matter how old you are, you can always get a fresh chocolate.
47:
Chocolates can handle rejection.
48:
A chocolate won't pout if you have a headache.
49:
A chocolate won't care what time of the month it is.
50:
A chocolate never wants to get it on when your nails are wet.
51:
A chocolate won't give it up for lent.
52:
With a chocolate, you never have to say you're sorry.
53:
Chocolates don't leave whisker burns, fall asleep on your chest, or drool on the pillow.
54:
A chocolate won't give you a hickey.
55:
Chocolates can stay up all night - ...and you won't have to sleep in the wet spot.
56:
Afterwards, A chocolate won't: want to shake hands and be friends, say, "I'll call you a cab" or tell you he's not the marrying kind, call his mother, ex-wife, or therapist!
57:
Chocolates don't leave you wondering for a month.
58:
Chocolates won't make you go to the chemist's.
59:
Chocolates won't tell you a vasectomy will ruin it for them.
60:
A chocolate a day keeps the OB-GYN away.
61:
A chocolate won't fill in your crossword incorrectly in ink.
62:
A chocolate isn't allergic to your cat.
63:
With chocolates, you don't have to play Florence Nightingale during the flu season.
64:
Chocolates never answer your phone or borrow your car.
65:
A chocolate won't eat all your food or drink all your alcohol.
66:
A chocolate doesn't turn your bathroom into a library.
67:
Chocolates won't go through your medicine chest.
68:
A chocolate doesn't use your toothbrush, roll-on, or hairspray.
69:
Chocolates won't leave hair on the sink or a ring in the bath tub.
70:
Chocolates don't leave dirty shorts on the floor.
71:
A chocolate never fogets to flush the toilet.
72:
A chocolate doesn't flush the toilet while you are taking a shower.
73:
With a chocolate, the toilet seat is always the way you left it.
74:
Chocolate won't compare you to a centerfold.
75:
Chocolates don't tell you they liked you better with long hair.
76:
A chocolate will never leave you, for another woman, for another man, or for another chocolate!
77:
A chocolate will never call and say, "I have to work late, honey." ...and then come home smelling like another woman.
78:
A chocolate never snaps your bra, or pinches your butt!
79:
You always know where your chocolate has been.
80:
A chocolate never has to call "the wife."
81:
Chocolates never have mid-life crises.
82:
A chocolate won't leave you for a cheerleader or an ex- nun.
83:
Chocolates don't play the guitar and try to find themselves.
84: You won't find out later that your chocolate, is married, is on penicillin, or likes you, but loves your brother!
85:
A chocolate doesn't have football practice on the day you move.
86:
Chocolates never tell you what they did on R&R.
87:
A chocolate won't ask for a promotion just when you're up for a promotion.
88:
Chocolates don't care if you make more money than they do.
89:
A chocolate won't wear a leisure suit to your office christmas party.
90:
You don't have to wait until halftime to talk to your chocolate.
91:
A chocolate won't leave town on new year's eve.
92:
A chocolate won't take you to a disco and dump you for a flashy outfit.
93:
Chocolates never want to take you home to Mum.
94:
A chocolate doesn't care if you always spend the holidays with your family.
94:
A chocolate won't ask to be put throught Med school.
95:
A chocolate won't tell you he's outgrown you intellectually.
96:
Chocolates never expect you to have little chocolates.
97:
Chocolates don't say "Lets keep trying until we have a boy."
98:
A chocolate won't insist the little chocolates be raised Catholic, Jewish, or orthodox vegetarian.
99:
A chocolate will never contest a divorce, demand a property settlement or seek custody of anything!
100:
It's easy to drop a chocolate.
101:
You can Get chocolate.
102:
"If you love me, you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.
103:
Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
104:
You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
105:
You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
106:
You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
107:
If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.
108:
Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.
109:
The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
110:
You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your work mates.
111:
You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
112:
You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
113:
With chocolate there's no need to fake it.
114:
Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
115:
You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
116:
Good chocolate is easy to find.
117:
You can never be too young or too old for chocolate.
118:
When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbours awake.
119:
With chocolate size doesn't matter; its always good!
120:
Chocolate does not have bad breath!
121:
Chocolate does not fart in bed!
122:
Chocolate doesn't lie or lay-about!

Mother of 15 Kids at the Benefits Office!

A woman walks into the Nottingham Benefits office, trailed by 15 kids.

"Wow!," the social worker exclaims, "are they all yours?" 

"Yes, they are all mine," the flustered mother sighed, having heard that question a thousand times before.

She says, 'Sit down Leroy.'

All the children rush to find seats. 

"Well," says the benefits worker, "then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names." 

"Well, to keep it simple, the boys are all named Leroy and the girls are all named Leighroy!" 

In disbelief, the case worker says, "Are you serious? They're all named Leroy?"

Their mum replied, "Well, yes-it makes it easier you see. When it's time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, "Leroy!" And when it's time for dinner, I just yell "Leroy!" and they all comes a runnin. An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy."

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, "But, what if you just want one kid to come, and not the whole bunch?"

"Then I call them by their last names!"