Doctors Questions and Answers

 A doctor's advice via question & answer!

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

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Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

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Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

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Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

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Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

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Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!.... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

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Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

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Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

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Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

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Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

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Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride"!

Funny Pictures

Would You Like To Buy A Vowel?

Ironic Advertising on the Coach!

Unfortunately opening the doors this way, changed the message!

Copy of Sign with clever Graffiti in Nottingham

Funny Signs

Mozambique Wildlife Warning

Doctor Jokes & Funnies - Part One

"I wanted to make the test as real as possible!"

A chap goes to a doctor and says he has a problem with sex.

“I think my privates are too small.” He says.

The doctor asks him which drink he prefers.

“Well, Lager,” he replies, quite bemused.

“Aahh! There’s your problem. It shrinks things, those Lagers.

You should try drinking Guinness, that makes things grow.”

Two months later the chap returns to the doctor with a big smile on his face.

He shakes the doctor by the hand and thanks him.

“I take it you now drink Guinness?” asked the doctor.

“No”, replies the man “but I’ve got the wife on Lager!”

What did the nurse say when she found a rectal thermometer in her pocket?

"Some asshole has my pen!"

What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

The taste.

Why did the nurse always insist on using the rectal thermometer to obtain temperatures?

She was taught in nursing school to always look for her patient's best side.

Two men both have 9:00 a.m. appointments at a vasectomy clinic.

A nurse greets the two men, tells them she has to prepare them for surgery and takes them to a private room.

She asks the first man to sit down on the examination table and take off his clothe s, which he does.

She then tells him to have a wank

"What!" he says, "What’s that all about?" 

She replies "It’s standard procedure to ensure you have no blockages."

Once done, the nurse tells the second man to sit down on the examination table and take off his clothes.

When he is up on the table, the nurse licks her lips, and begins to perform fellatio on him.

Upon seeing this, the first man interrupts, "Hey, what’s this? I have to wank, and he gets a blow job. That’s not fair!"

The nurse looks up at the first man and says:

 "Sorry, but that’s the difference between the NHS and BUPA!"

I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labour and the nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to me, “Congratulations sir, you’re the new father of twins!”

The man replied, “How about that, I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Company.” The man then followed the woman to his wife’s room.

About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mr. Smith’s wife has just had triplets. Mr. Smith stood up and said, “Well, how do ya like that, I work for the 3M Company.”

The gentleman that was sitting next to me then got up and started to leave.

When I asked him why he was leaving, he remarked, “I think I need a breath of fresh air.”

The man continued, “I work for 7-UP!”

Doctor: “I’ve got very bad news. You’ve got cancer and Alzheimer’s.”

Patient: “Well, at least I don’t have cancer”

Wife: Doctor My husband thinks he’s a satellite dish.Doctor Patient Jokes

Doctor: Don’t worry I can cure him.

Wife: I don’t want him cured I want you to adjust him to get the movie channel!

A man speaks frantically into the phone:

 "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.

"No, you idiot!" the man shouts - "This is her husband!"

A man walks into a doctors office

He says, "Doctor, I'm suffering from silent gas emissions.

All day at work, I have these silent gas emissions.

Last night during a movie, I had 10 silent gas emissions.

This morning in the car on the way to your surgery, I had five silent gas emissions.

And while waiting in your waiting room I had three silent gas emissions.

Right now, as a matter of fact, I've just had two more!"

The doctor replied:

"Well, the first thing we're going to do is check is your hearing!"

Doctor, Doctor

I can't stop stealing things!

Take these pills for a week; if that doesn't work I'll have a colour TV!

Doctor, Doctor

What can I do? I think I'm a pair of curtains?

Pull yourself together man!

Doctor, Doctor

I think I'm a bridge?

What's come over you?

Oh, two cars, a large truck and a coach.

Doctor, Doctor

I think I'm god?

How did that start?

In the beginning there was darkness......

Doctor, Doctor

Every bone in my body aches!

Just be glad you aren't a herring!

Doctor, Doctor

Can I have second opinion?

Of course, come back tomorrow!

Doctor, Doctor

I think I've broken my neck?

Don't worry - keep your chin up!

Doctor Doctor

My daughter has just swallowed my pen - what shall I do?

Use a pencil!

Doctor Doctor

What can I do? Everyone thinks I'm a liar?

I find that very hard to believe!

Doctor, Doctor

I feel like a pack of cards?

I'll deal with you later!

Doctor, Doctor

You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking!

Do you drink a lot?

Not really - I spill most of it!

Doctor, Doctor

Every time I drink a cup of coffee I get this stabbing pain in my eye!

I suggest you take the spoon out of the mug first!

Doctor, Doctor

My irregular heartbeat is really frightening me.

Don't worry - we'll soon put a stop to it!

Doctor, Doctor

Please help me. I think I'm invisible

Next Please!

Doctor, Doctor

I've just swallowed my mouth organ

Well look on the bright side, at least you weren't playing a grand piano!

Doctor, Doctor

I think I'm a bell?

Take these and if it doesn't help give me a ring!

Doctor, Doctor

I think I'm a cat?

How long has this been going on?

Oh, since I was a kitten I guess!

Doctor, Doctor

I've got insomnia

Just sit on the edge of the bed. You'll soon drop off!

Doctor, Doctor

Is there anything wrong with my heart?

After a thorough examination I can confidently say it will last as long as you do!!

Doctor, Doctor

I've got wind! Can you give me something?

Yes - here's a kite!

Doctor Doctor

I'm not well - can you give me something to make me better?

Take 2 teaspoons of this after every meal?

But Doctor, I've only got one teaspoon?

Doctor doctor

I feel like a carrot 

Well don't get yourself in a stew

Doctor doctor

I've swallowed my pocket money 

Take this and we'll see if there's any change in the morning!

Doctor doctor

What happened to that man who fell into the circular saw and had the whole left side of his body cut away? 

Oh, he's all right now!

Doctor doctor

I'm at death's door! 

Don't worry, we'll soon pull you through!

Doctor doctor

My spouse is so ill, is there no hope? 

It depends what you are hoping for?

Doctor doctor

Help me now! I'm getting shorter and shorter! 

Just wait there and be a little patient!

Doctor doctor

I feel like a pair of wigwams 

The problem is, you've become too tense!

Doctor, doctor

I'm addicted to brake fluid 

Nonsense man, you can stop anytime!

Doctor doctor

I couldn't drink my medicine after my bath like you told me 

Why not? 

Well after I've drunk my bath I haven't got room for the medicine!

Doctor doctor

I've just swallowed a roll of film! 

Come back tomorrow and we'll see what develops!

Doctor, doctor

I think I need glasses 

You certainly do missy, this is the fish and chip shop!

Doctor, doctor

I think I'm suffering from Déjà Vu! 

Didn't I see you yesterday?

Doctor doctor

I've got acute appendicitis 

You've got a cute little dimple too!

Doctor, doctor

What's the quickest way to get to hospital? 

Lie in the road outside!

Doctor, doctor

I've only got 59 seconds to live 

Just wait a minute will you . . .

Doctor doctor

I've heard that exercise kills germs; is it true? 

Probably, but how do you get the germs to exercise?

Doctor, doctor

I've lost my memory 

When did this happen? 

When did what happen?

Doctor doctor

I've gone all crumbly, like a cheese biscuit... 

You're crackers!

Doctor, doctor

I snore so loud I keep myself awake 

Sleep in another room then!

Doctor, doctor

I've broken my arm in two places

Hmm, I'd advise you not to go back to either of those places then!

Doctor, doctor

I've a strawberry stuck in my ear!

Don't worry, I've some cream for that!

Doctor doctor

I feel like a pony!

No no, you're just a little hoarse!

Doctor doctor

I've become a kleptomaniac

Have you taken anything for it?

So far a TV, three sofas and a necklace!

Doctor doctor

I'm scared of Father Christmas

You’re suffering from Claus-trophobia!

Doctor, Doctor

Will this ointment clear up my spots?

I never make rash promises...

Doctor doctor

Every time I stand up quickly, I see Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck and Goofy

How long have you been getting these disney spells?

Doctor doctor

I can't help it, I just keep thinking I'm a moth

You need a psychiatrist not a doctor

I know, but I was walking past and I saw your light was on!

Doctor doctor

I've got a cricket ball stuck in my bottom

How's that?

Oh, don't you start too!

Doctor, Doctor

I've got amnesia!

Just go home and try to forget about it!

Doctor, Doctor

They are saying in the waiting room that you've become a vampire...

Necks please...

Doctor, Doctor 

You have to help me out?

Certainly. Which way did you come in?

Doctor, Doctor 

I keep singing "Green green grass of home" - I think I have Tom Jones syndrome

It's not unusual!

Doctor, Doctor - Aaa, Eee, I, oooh! You...

I think you may have irrtitable vowel syndrome!

Doctor doctor I can't help thinking I'm a goat

How long have you felt like this?

Since I was a kid..

Doctor, Doctor

I keep comparing things with something else.

Don't worry, it's only analogy!

Doctor, Doctor 

There's a man here who says he's turning invisible!

Tell him I can't see him!

Doctor, Doctor 

I feel like a spoon!

Sit still and don't stir!

Jokes about the NHS - Part Two

The British Medical Association has weighed in on the proposed health care reforms:

1)

The Allergists have voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists have advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists have a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists think the government have a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians feel they are labouring under a misconception, while Ophthalmologists consider the idea short-sighted.

Pathologists have come out strongly declaring, 'Over my dead body', while the Paediatricians said 'Oh Grow up'.

The Psychiatrists think the whole idea is madness, while the Radiologists can see right through it.

Surgeons are fed up with the cuts and have decided to wash their hands of the issue. ENT specialists won't swallow the proposals and just won't hear about it.

Pharmacologists think that it is a bitter pill to swallow, whilst Plastic Surgeons have observed, 'that this puts a whole new face on the matter'.

The Podiatrists think it is a big step forwards, but the Urologists are pissed off with the whole idea, whilst the Anaesthetists think the whole idea is a gas.

Meanwhile the Cardiologists don't have the heart to say no.

In the end the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision to the Arseholes in London.

2)

As a Funeral Director, I wholeheartedly support the proposed NHS reforms!


3)

What's all this shit I'm hearing about the new health lottery starting this weekend?
We've had a health lottery in this country for years - it's called the NHS!


4)
The NHS have teamed up with a national company as their new providers of oxygen bags.

Walkers Crisps, have announced they are thrilled to have clinched the deal!


5)
I think the Government could get more men to eat their 5 a day by saying it increases your cock size and advertise it on porn sites!


6)

These are sentences actually typed by Medical secretaries in NHS Greater Glasgow  


1. The patient has no previous history of suicides. 


2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital. 


3. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days. 


4. She has no rigours or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night. 


5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year. 


6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared. 


7.. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed. 


8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993. 


9. Discharge status:- Alive, but without my permission. 


10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful. 


11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch. 


12. She is numb from her toes down. 


13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home. 


14. The skin was moist and dry. 


15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches. 


16. Patient was alert and unresponsive. 


17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid. 


18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce. 


19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy. 


20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation. 


21 Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized. 


22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function. 


23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present. 


24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor. 


25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall. 


26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities 
. 
27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room. 


28. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed. 


29. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant. 


30. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December. 


31. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree. 


32. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead. 


33. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

You've got to laugh!

Jokes about the NHS - Part One

1:
Q) What's the difference between Harold Shipman and David Cameron?
A) Shipman actually did something about NHS waiting lists!


2:
News reports today tell that NHS hospitals are "plagued by vermin and pests".
Well we allowed the Coalition to be formed!


3:
A Lady rings her local hospital and this conversation follows:

Lady:

Hello I'd like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree. She was admitted last week with chest pains and I just want to know if her condition has deteriorated, stabilised or improved?
Hospital:

Do you know which ward she is in?
Lady:

Yes, ward P, room 2B.
Hospital:

I'll just put you through to the nurse station.
Nurse:

Hello ward P, how can I help?
Lady:

I would just like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree, I was wondering if her condition had deteriorated, stabilised or improved?
Nurse:

I'll just check her notes... I'm pleased to say that Mrs Tiptree's conditioned has improved. She has regained her appetite, her temperature has steadied and after some routine checks tonight, she should be well enough to go home tomorrow.
Lady:

Oh that's wonderful news, I'm so happy, thank you ever so much!
Nurse:

You seem very relieved, are you a close friend or relative?
Lady:

No, I'm Mrs Tiptree in room 2b.... Nobody tells you sod all in here...!

4:
The Government has refused proper health care to many elderly citizens due to their advancing  years.
It is a worrying problem for many but help is at hand.

Join the new George Osborne/Andrew Lansley new free care plan today!

Anyone 60 years or older, you can apply.

All new members will receive a gun and four bullets.
You are allowed to shoot one MP (two if you live in England), one MSP (if you live 
in Scotland), one councillor and just to be sure of a long sentence, someone you really don't like and think the world could do without.
As part of the plan, you will leave enough evidence to make sure you are caught and in due course will be sent to prison.

There you will get a safe central heated environment, three meals a day, lots of company, free TV and an assortment of games plus - most importantly - all the health care you need!
New teeth needed? No problem.
New glasses? They'll be provided free of charge.
New hip, knees, kidney, lung, heart? They're all covered too!

But, I can hear you ask, who will pay for all of this?

Well, the same Coalition government that told you they cannot afford your current health care!
And as an added bonus, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay income tax anymore.
There is even the chance you may be able to claim for infringements of your Human Rights,  leaving money for your loved ones!The United Kingdom! - A GREAT country or what?

5:
"Male doctors earn £15,000 a year more than women, study reveals"

Well there you go Langley, you can solve the NHS budget deficit by only employing cheap female doctors. Not only would this save millions, it would make my ideal porn fantasy one step closer.


6:
"Male doctors earn £15,000 a year more than women, study reveals"
Well there you go  Andrew Lansley, you can solve the NHS budget deficit by only employing cheap female doctors.
Not only would this save millions, it would make my ideal porn fantasy one step closer!


7:
My Grandma always used to say, 'You get what you paid for'.
I find it fitting that she died while in the care of the NHS.


8:
I left the dentist's unable to speak, sweating, red faced and drooling like a spastic.
An old lady said, "What's the matter, love? Have you had some work done?"
I said, "Nah, as the receptionist leaned forward to give me an appointment form one of her tits fell out!"


9:
The missus wanted to try some NHS doctor/patient role play.
So I made her wait a week for a bed then let her contract MRSA.


10:
You've gotta love the sense of humour of the NHS cleaners. 
Foot pedal bins in disabled toilets are a work of genius!

Lady Godiva Funnies

Q: What happened to Lady Godiva's horse when he realised that she hasn't wearing any clothes?

A: It made him shy.

Police Funnies

Coalition designed Police traffic car

I get so irritated when people come down on our police officers, saying that they don’t care about others.

Well, here is a story that clearly shows not all policemen are in that category.

This story involves the Police Service in Nottingham, who reported finding a man's body last Saturday in the early evening in the Nottingham Canal, near the London Road bridge.

The dead man’s name will not be released until his family had been notified.

The victim apparently drowned due to excessive beer consumption while visiting "someone" in a Nottingham Red Light area.

He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, purple lipstick, and a 'I Support the Lib-Dem Party T-shirt'.

The police removed the  'I Support the Lib-Dem Party T-shirt' to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.

See there, the police do care!

Toilet Seats Stolen:

All the toilet seats at the police station were stolen.

The thief is still at large, the police are having a time figuring it out, and they have nothing to go on!

In the Ladies changing rooms:

A hole has appeared in the ladies changing rooms at the sports club, 

Police are looking into it.

Stolen Wigs:

A van-load of wigs were stolen yesterday - 

Police are combing the area for clues.

Questioning the Prostitutes:

While in the back of a police car, one of the policemen asks a couple of prostitutes:

"Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz before?"

One of them replied, "No, but I've been swung around by the tits!"

Police Officers George & Mary on Patrol:

Police officers George and Mary, had been assigned to walk the beat.

They had only been out a short while when Mary said, "Damn, I was running late this morning after my workout and after I showered, I forgot to put on my panties! We have to go back to the station to get them."

George replied, "We don't have to go back, just give the K-9 unit, Fido, one sniff, and he will go fetch them for you!"

It was a hot day and Mary didn't fell like heading back to the station, so she lifted her skirt for the dog. Fido's nose shoots between her legs, sniffing and snorting.

After 10 seconds of sniffing, Fido's ears pick up, he sniffs the wind, and he is off in a flash towards the station house.

Five minutes go by and no sign of Fido.

Ten minutes pass, and the dog is nowhere to be seen.

Fifteen minutes pass, and they are starting to worry.

Twenty minutes pass, and they hear sirens in the distance.

The sirens get louder and louder.

Suddenly, followed by a dozen police cars, Fido rounds the corner with the Desk Sergeant's underpants in his mouth!

Finnegan's Wife:

His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan.

"Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant.

"She spoke without interruption for about forty years," said the Irishman.

The Complaint:

Dear Sir/madam/automated telephone answering service

Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Nottingham's Canning Circus police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try e-mailing you instead. Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues in Nottingham by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or Ouija board.

As I’m writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I think you call them youths) in West Cromwell Street which is just off Commercial Street in  Nottingham.

Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings throughout the entire building.

This game is now in it’s third week and as I am unsure how the scoring system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.

The remaining five walking abortions are happily rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on speed. I fear that it’s only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the bottle of calor gas that is lying on it’s side between the two bins. If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them the matches. Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them and I’ve just finished decorating the kitchen.

What I suggest is this. after replying to this e-mail with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a panda car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like.

I trust that when I take a clawhammer to the skull of one of these throwbacks you’ll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head start before coming to arrest me.

I remain sir, your obedient servant

Bartholomew Utterswaithe

Police response:

Mr Utterswaithe,

I have read your e-mail and understand you frustration at the problems caused by youth playing in the area and the problems you have encountered in trying to contact the police.

As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you.

Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.

Regards

PC Baverstock

Community Beat Officer

Complainer’s reply:

Dear PC Baverstock.

First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my original e-mail. 16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Nottingham Police station and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next book.

Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has it’s own community beat officer. May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills. In the five or so years I have lived in West Cromwell Street, I have never seen you.

Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin? It’s surely only a matter of time before you are headhunted by MI5.

Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in  Nottingham, such as smoking in a public place or being Muslim without due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these twats that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere?

The pitch behind the Citadel or the one at DKs are both within spitting distance as is the bottom of the Nottingham canal.

Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to contact me on 0115 9626648.

If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer, I’ll buy you a large one in the Bell Inn.

Regards

Bartholomew Utterswaithe

P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you don’t work for the cleansing department.

Police arrested two teenagers yesterday

One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one and let the other one off.

The undrunk drunk

One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible drunken driving violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his.

The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.
Meanwhile, all the other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away.

The police officer was waiting for him.

As soon as he pulled onto the street, the officer stopped him, read him his rights and administered the breathalyser test to determine his blood-alcohol content.

The results showed a reading of zero.

The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.

The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy!"

Tacks

Driving to work, a gentlman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving.

Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road.

The policemen stopped traffic and recovered the box.

It was found to contain thousands of large upholstery tacks.
"I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver, "But I am still going to have to do you!"

Amazed, the driver asked for what.
The Officer replied, "Tacks evasion!"