Senior Citizens Funnies!

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch-way floor.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage bin under the table, and notice that the bin is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my cheque book off the table, and see that there is only one cheque left.

My extra cheques are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.

I'm going to look for my cheques, but first I need to move the Coke so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm and decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye - they need to be watered.
I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realise that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but won't remember it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the living room where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get a mop to wipe up the spill. Finding my hearing aids in the cleaning cupboard.

Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

* The car isn't washed,

* The bills aren't paid,

* There is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter,

* The flowers don't have enough water,

* There is still only 1 cheque in my checkbook,

* I can't find the remote,

* I can't find my glasses,

* And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired

I realise this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

Do me a favour, will you?

Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember to whom it has been sent.

Don't laugh - if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!

 I noticed this elderly man about 75- 80 years old sitting on a bench near the shopping centre and he was sobbing his eyes out

When I went to lunch today, I noticed this elderly man about 75- 80 years old sitting on a bench near the shopping centre and he was sobbing his eyes out.

I stopped and asked him what was wrong. He said: “I have a 22 year old wife at home.

She makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground brewed coffee!"

I said: 'Well, then why are you crying?"

He said, "She makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favourite biscuits, and then makes love to me half the afternoon."

I said: 'Well, so why are you crying?"

He said: "For dinner she makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favourite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m."

I said: "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"

He said: "I can't remember where I live."

A very elderly but bright-eyed gentleman... 

A very elderly but bright-eyed gentleman, very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of after shave, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.

Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady tricked out in a modest but very becoming cocktail dress.

The gentleman walks over, sits alongside of her, orders a drink, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office... 

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and charged them £50.

This happened several weeks in a row - The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house.

The Holiday Inn charges £90. The Hilton charges £108. We do it here for £50, and I get £43 back from BUPA!"

Walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch...

A boy was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.

"Grandpa what are you doing?" he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him.

"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck - This is your Grandma's idea!"

Two old ladies, one somewhat hard of hearing...

Two old ladies, one somewhat hard of hearing, decided to have their portraits taken.

The photographer welcomed them to his studio and said, "Please take a seat, ladies."
The deaf lady asked her friend, "What did he say?"
"He would like us to sit down."
Then the photographer asked, "Can you please sit closer so I can focus the camera?"
"What did he say?"
"He's going to focus!"
"What, both of us?"

Grandpa and Grandma were living with their son and daughter-in-law...

Grandpa noticed that his son had a bottle of Viagra and asked if he could have one.

His son said, "Dad, I don't think you should take one - they're very strong and expensive."
Grandpa said, "I know, but I want to try one. How much are they?"
His son replied, "£10 each."
Grandpa only had a £50 bill but was going to the bank.

He told his son that he would leave £10 under his pillow that night.
The next morning his son found £110 under his pillow and said, "Dad, I told you it was only £10. There's £110 under my pillow!"
Grandpa said, "That's ok, the other £100 is from Grandma!"

I wish she was still fit enough to take me for a walkies!

If my body was a car...

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model.

I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull,
but that's not the worst of it.

My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close.

My traction is not as graceful as it once was.
I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.
My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.

It takes me hours to reach my reduced maximum speed.

My fuel rate burns inefficiently.
But here's the worst of it:

Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter..... either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!

The groom was 95 and the bride was 23...

A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23.
The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.
But low and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life.
She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel.
The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!"
The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, "Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years, and I thought he meant his money!"

Growing Old Advice and Quotes:

Get ready for work, go to your old workplace and feel the joy!

Draw up an annual leave slip for yourself with leave granted on every day of the year.

Some of your friends may still be working, so don't rub it in about the tough day you've had visiting the National Trust tearooms.

Retirement is a miracle cure - You will never again have a mystery 'illness' that requires you to have a day of work.

It doesn't matter to you now if the government decides to increase the retirement age!

What's the typical pensioner's idea of intense physical exercise? - A brisk sit!

There are numerous advantages in being sixty-five, just ask any eighty-two year old!

You're over the hill when your back goes out more than you do!

You're getting old when there's no question in your mind that there's no question in your mind!

You finally got my head together, now your body is falling apart! 

Funny, you don't remember being absent minded!

If all is not lost, where is it?

It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser!

Right now your having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time

You think you might have forgotten this before.

It is time you stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man!

Research shows...

Research indicates that children smile or laugh 400 times per day, adults smile or laugh 15 or less times per day and think negative ideas 75% of the time.

Laughter benefits the body, mind and intellect and the dominant emotions of pleasure, peace, love, and joy.

It can control high blood pressure and heart disease and strengthens the immune system.

It is the best exercise for bronchitis and asthma by improving the lung capacity and oxygen level in the blood …and reduce Snoring because laughter is very good for the muscles of the soft palate and throat!

Roger Marries at 85...

At 85 years of age, Roger married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old.
Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock' on the door.
Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action.
They unite as one.
All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Roger, Again he is ready for more 'action'.
Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling.
When the newly weds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Roger Is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action'.
And, once more they enjoy each other.
But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I Am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often.
I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger.'
Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was here before?'

The moral of the story : Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has Its advantages.

An Elderly Gentleman...

Had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.
Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'

The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.

I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my Will three times!'

 

 An elderly couple had dinner at a friends house...

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'

The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'

The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?

You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'

'Do you mean a rose?'

'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man.

He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

Hospital regulations...

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged.However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.

On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

'I don't know,' he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown!"

A couple in their 90's are having problems remembering... 

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure.'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,

The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.

'Where's my toast?'

So, Your getting married?

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: 'So I hear you're getting married?'

'Yep!'

'Do I know her?'

'Nope!'

'This woman, is she good looking?'

'Not really.'

'Is she a good cook?'

'Naw, she can't cook too well.'

'Does she have lots of money?'

'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'

'Well, then, is she good in bed?'

'I don't know.'

'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'

'Because she can still drive!'

Three old guys are out walking...

First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'

Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'

Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'

A man was telling his neighbour...

"I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me two thousand pounds, but it's state of the art. It's perfect!"

"Really," answered the neighbour
"What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty!"

 

An elderly couple in their Skoda Estelle... 

An elderly couple were driving in their beloved Skoda Estelle, the wife driving.

They are pulled over by the traffic police.

The Officer says "Did you realise that you were speeding back there?"

The woman being slightly deaf , turns to her husband and asks,

"What did he say?"

The old man shouts,

"He says you were speeding."

The officer says ,

"May I see your license?"

The old woman turns to her husband and asks,

"What did he say."

The old man shouts,

"He wants to see your licence."

The woman gives him her licence.

The officer says,

"I see you are from Fareham. I spent some time there once, had the worst sex with a woman I have ever had!"

The woman turns to her husband and asks,

"What did he say."

The old man yells,

"He thinks he knows you !"

Every picture tells a story!

Perks of Old Age:

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.

4. People call at 9 PM and ask, “Did I wake you?”

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won’t wear out.

8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.

9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.

10. You enjoy hearing about other people’s operations.

11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

12. You have a party and the neighbours don’t even realise it.

13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

15. You sing along with elevator music.

16. Your eyes won’t get much worse.

17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the Met Office.

19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.

20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

21. You can’t remember if you've forgotten anything. 

22. The Free bus pass!

23. You can take out your hearing aids for a bit of peace and quiet!

24. Eat, drink, sleep whenever it suits you!

25. You can remember when the Queen was worth only £199m.

26. Nobody listens to you, but that's alright, you most likely forgotten what you were going to say anyway!

A fellow was invited to the home of some old friends for dinner...

His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.
The guest was impressed since the couple had been married almost 70 years, and while the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his friend, "I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those lovely names!"

The old guy hung his head.

"To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about ten years ago!"

The Rhyming ABC of Aging:

A for arthritis

B for bad back
C is for chest pains.  (Perhaps cardiac?)
D is for dental decay and decline
E is for eyesight--can't read that top line
F is for fissures and fluid retention
G is for gas (which I'd rather not mention)
H high blood pressure (I'd rather have low) 
I for incisions with scars you can show
J is for joints, that now fail to flex 
L for libido - what happened to sex? 
Wait! I forgot about K! 
K is for my knees that crack when they're bent!
N for neurosis, pinched nerves and stiff neck 
O is for osteo - and all bones that crack 
P for prescriptions, I have quite a few Give me another pill; I'll be good as new! 
Q is for queasiness. Fatal or flu?
R is for reflux - one meal turns into two
S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears

T for tinnitus - I hear bells in my ears 
U is for urinary: difficulties with flow 
V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy", you know?
W is worry, now what's going 'round?
X is for X ray - and what might be found
Y for another year I've left behind 
Z is for zest that I still have my mind, Have survived all the symptoms my body's deployed And kept twenty-six doctors gainfully employed!

New Diseases Identified

Named Disease:
HAJ (Had-a-job) Syndrome
Symptoms:
Being made redundant through no fault of your own, suicidal feelings, lack of food, and the disappearance of respect.
Most at Risk:
The proletariat, anyone not related to, a banker or a friend of a Politician, the unemployed, the millions of immigrants both legal and otherwise, the impecunious, the uneducated youths of today, and the educated youths of today without rich family connections.
Area's most affected:
The North - Midlands.

Named Disease:
Spooninthegobatbirthness
Symptoms: A snottiness and uncaring attitude develops that cannot be countered. The bank balance and overseas investment accounts increase exponentially.
Most at Risk:
Royalty, Aristocracy, Politicians, Footballers, and the Right Honourable William Hague MP (Conservative) First Secretary of State, Secretary of State for Foreign and Commonwealth Affairs.
Area's most affected:
The rich 10% of the population.

Named Disease:
A.A.D.(Alcoholic Addiction Dysrhythmia)
Symptoms:
Finding you have not got any alcoholic addictions, and the concern and worry you get about being so different to everyone else.
Most at Risk:
Those under the age of eight.
Area's most affected:
Nursery schools.

Named Disease:
Monetary Cystitis
Symptoms:
It is extremely painful, nigh on impossible for you to repay money owed by you.
Most at Risk:
Politicians, Dentists, Lawyers, Bankers, Haliburton, and Taxi Drivers.
Area's most affected:
Nationwide.

Named Disease:
Hope Alopecia
Symptoms:
A sudden realisation that all hope is lost, other than for the War Mongers, Politicians, bankers, and Haliburton and other nepotistic clans.
Most at Risk:
Everyone not connected with the above.
Area's most affected:
Anywhere with any businesses still owned and ran by English management, so as you can tell, there are scarce.

Named Disease:
Compassion Deficiency Anemia
Symptoms: You couldn't give a toss about anyone else.
Most at Risk: Most predominant in Parliament, and Lawyers offices, although likley to be found anywhere.
Area's most affected:
Virtually throughout the world.

Named Disease:
Cacospysy (Irregular pulse)
Symptoms:
Panic attacks at Government Budget announcement time.
Most at Risk:
The poor.
Area's most affected:
The North and Midlands of the UK.

Named Disease:
EDD Early Decrepitude disease
Symptoms: Sudden realisation that the poor are getting poorer, and the Rich are getting richer.
Most at Risk:
Those who are poor and getting poorer.
Area's most affected:
Worldwide: In the event that you should feel or find any of the above symptoms coming on, do not consult your Doctor who will be too rich to be bothered to understand your frustrations and problems.
You should consider suicide, alcoholism, hibernation, or becoming a Politician.

200+ Quotes on Marriage

1
Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence - a life sentence!
2
Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached!
3
Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind!
4
Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters!
5
Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes!
6
Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit!
7
Marriage is not just a having a wife, but also worries inherited forever!
8
Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of "rings":
* The Engagement Ring
* The Wedding Ring
* The Suffe-Ring
* The Endu-Ring
9:
Married life is full of excitement and frustration:
* In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
* In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
* In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen!
10
It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye-opener!
11
Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that!
12
It's true that all men are born free and equal, but some of them get married!
13
There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced!
14
A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes!
15
Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad?
Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it!
16
Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries.
Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere!
17
There was a man who said, "I never knew what happiness was until I got married...and then it was too late!"
18
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock!
19
They say when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage, it is in self-defence!
20
When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why?
21
There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through hell!
22
A Code of Honour: Never approach a friend's girlfriend or wife with mischief as your goal. There are just too many women in the world to justify that sort of dishonourable behaviour. Unless she's really attractive. -- Bruce Friedman
23
A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage. -- Marvin Kitman
24
A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present!
25
A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke!
26
A husband is what's left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted. -- Helen Rowland
27
A man must marry only a very pretty woman in case he should ever want some other man to take her off his hands. -- Guitry
28
Ah Mozart! He was happily married - but his wife wasn't. -- Borge
29
Always talk to your wife while you're making love... if there's a phone handy!
30
An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her. -- Agatha Christie
31
And I shall love thee still my dear, Until my wife is wise!
32
Bachelor: the only man who has never told his wife a lie!
33
Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her!
34
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. -- Socrates
35
I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't!
36
The appropriate age for marriage is around eighteen for girls and thirty-seven for men.
37
Diplomat: A man who can convince his wife she would look stout in a fur coat.
38
Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper!
39
English Law prohibits a man from marrying his mother-in-law. This is our idea of useless legislation!
40
Feminists are OK, I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one.
41
He who knows nothing, knows nothing. But he who knows he knows nothing knows something. And he who knows someone whose friend's wife's brother knows nothing, he knows something. Or something like that!
42
Honolulu - it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother. -- Ken Dodd
43
Husband: a man who buys his football tickets four months in advance and waits until December 24 to do his Christmas shopping!
44
I am in total control, but don't tell my wife!
45
I belong to Bridegrooms Anonymous. Whenever I feel like getting married, they send over a lady in a housecoat and hair curlers to burn my toast for me. -- Dick Martin
46
I do not see the EEC as a great love affair. It is more like nine desperate middle-ages couples with failing marriages meeting at a Brussels hotel for a group grope. -- Tynan
47
I think of my wife and I think of Lot, and I think of the lucky break he got!
48
I tried a mail order bride, once, but she was damaged in the mail, and I had to return the unused part for my full refund!
49
I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about 'short' and 'cheap'? -- Phyllis Diller
50
I've been trying desperately to save my marriage for the last 35 years!
51
If all men were brothers, would you let one marry your sister?
52
If you are afraid of loneliness, do not marry. -- Chekhov
53
If you never want to see a man again, say, "I love you, I want to marry you, I want to have children..." - they leave skid marks. -- Rita Rudner
54
If your wife wants to learn how to drive, don't stand in her way!
55
In marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage of the enemy!
56
In marriage, the bridge gets a shower. But for the groom, it's curtains!
57
Joint Checking Account: a handly little device which permits my wife to beat me to the draw!
58
Long engagements give people the opportunity of finding out each other's character before marriage, which is never advisable. -- Oscar Wilde
59
Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible!
60
Love thy neighbour, but make sure her husband is away first!
61
Love: An obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage!
62
Man and wife make one fool!
63
Many a wife thinks her husband is the world's greatest lover. But she can never catch him at it!
64
Marriage is a matter of give and take, but so far I haven't been able to find anybody who'll take what I have to give. -- Cass Daley
65
Marriage is a mutual relationship if both parties know when to be mute!
66
Marriage is a rest period between romances!
67
Getting married for sex is like buying a 747 for the free peanuts!
68
Marriage is a trip between Niagara Falls and Reno!
69
Marriage is an institution--but who wants to live in an institution?
70
Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Ergo...
71
Marriage is like a hot bath. Once you get used to it, it's not so hot!
72
Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out!
73
Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it.
74
Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred!
75
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret!
76
Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity?
77
Marriage still confers one very special privilege - only a married person can get divorced.
78
Marriage: A ceremony in which rings are put on the finger of the lady and around the hands and feet of the man!
79
Marriage: the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the licence!
80
Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on Earth. -- John Lyly
81
Marry not a tennis player. For love means nothing to them!
82
May you be too good for the world and not good enough for your wife!
83
May you grow so rich your widow's second husband never has to worry about a living, God forbid!
84
May you live happily ever after with a poor, ugly, shrewish wife!
85
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her." -- Rodney Dangerfield
86
May your wife be a witch who takes after her mother, and may you all live together in a one-room house!
87
Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier. --H.L. Mencken
88
My darling wife was always glum. I drowned her in a cask of rum, And so made sure that she would stay, In better spirits night and day.
89
My opinions are my wife's, and she says I'm lucky to have them.
90
Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits and then complain that he's not the man she married?” -- Barbra Streisand
91
My wife doesn't care what I do away from home, as long as I don't enjoy it!
92
My wife has a split personality, and I hate both of them!
93
My wife ran off with my best friend last week. I do miss him!
94
My wife says if I go fishing one more time she's going to leave me. Gosh, I'm going to miss her!
95
My wife submits and I obey; she always lets me have her way!
96
Never be unfaithful to a lover, except with your wife. -- PJ O'Rourke
97
No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman. -- Honore de Balzac
98
Nothing says loving like marrying your cousin! -- Al Bundy
99
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me!
100
Nuns: Women who marry God. If they divorce Him, do they get half the universe?
101
Perfection is what American women expect to find in their husbands, but English women only hope to find in their butlers. -- W. Somerset Maugham
102
When a man opens the car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife! -- Prince Philip
103
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience!
104
Shotgun wedding: a case of wife or death?
105
Spinster: A bachelor's wife?
106
Suicide is belated acquiescence in the opinion of one's wife's relatives!
107
There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage." -- James Holt McGavran
108
The days just before marriage are like a snappy introduction to a tedious book!
109
To heck with marrying a girl who makes biscuits like her mother, I want to marry one who makes dough like her father!
110
The difference between marriage and death? Dead people are free!
111
I never married because I have three pets at home that answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night." -- Marie Corelli
112
The marriage of Marxism and feminism has been like the marriage of husband and wife depicted in English common law: Marxism and feminism are one, and that one is Marxism. -- Heidi Hartmann [The Unhappy Marriage of Marxism and Feminism]
113
The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman. -- S. T. Coleridge
114
The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away is your husband!
115
The theory used to be you marry an older man because they are more mature. The new theory is that men don't mature. So you might as well marry a younger one!
116
Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing… she goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays!
117
To keep your marriage brimming - With love in the marriage cup, Whenever you're wrong, admit it, Whenever you're right, shut up! -- Nash
118
Note on the side of a van: This delivery driver carries no money. His wife has it all!
119
We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife. -- Groucho Marx
120
We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart! -- H.L. Mencken
121
What's new? Most of my wife!
122
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. -- Guitry
123
When marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have inlaws.
124
Why bother with marriage? Just find a woman you hate and buy her a house!
125
A Wife: The perfect acquisition for any gentleman feeling himself to have excessive control over his personal affairs!
126
All marriages are happy--it's the living together afterwards that causes all the problems.
127
Did you hear about the scientist whose wife had twins? He baptized one and kept the other as a control!
128
Disclaimer: Even my wife doesn't agree with everything I say, and she loves me dearly. My employers don't love me nearly as much as she does. Draw your own conclusions!
129
It was very good of God to let Carlyle and Mrs Carlyle marry one another and so make only two people miserable instead of four, besides being very amusing!
130
May you be blessed with a wife so healthy and strong, she can pull the plow when your horse drops dead!
131
May you learn to perform miracles: earn a living and marry off your daughters!
132
My husband and I have never considered divorce... murder sometimes, but never divorce. -- Joyce Brothers
133
Sign in a marriage counselor's window: "Out to lunch - Think it over."
134
The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines. They gave him love and he invented marriage - the fools!
135
There is no realisable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the tools to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not abuse it. So it is written in the genetic cards - only physics and war hold him in check. And the wife who wants him home by five, of course. -- Encyclopaedia Apocryphia
136
Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit!
137
Marriage is like a phone call in the night: first the ring, and then you wake up!
138
My wife suggested a book for me to read to enhance our relationship. It’s titled, “Women are from Venus, Men are Wrong"!
139
When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
140
It’s a funny thing that when a man hasn't anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married?
141
Love is blind, marriage is the eye-opener.
142
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury?
143
I don’t worry about terrorism. I was married for two years!
144
A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he’s finished!
145
Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won’t even lay down his newspaper to talk to you!
146
There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.
147
Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, ‘You’re only interested in one thing,’ and you can’t remember what it is?
148
Marriage is give and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway!
149
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to!
150
The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his chequebook open!
151
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met!
152
I always hold hand my wifes - If I let go, she shops!
153
A man’s wife has more power over him than the state has!
154
In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker!
155
Marriage–a book of which the first chapter is written in poetry and the remaining chapters written in prose!
156
A bachelor is a man who never makes the same mistake once!
157
Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't, they’d be married too!
158
I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic!
159
I require only three things of a man. He must be handsome, ruthless and stupid!
160
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, and half-shut afterwards.
161
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married. And by then it was too late!
162
Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery!
163
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
164
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can’t face each other, but still they stay together!
165
Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere. -- Groucho Marx
166
For two people in a marriage to live together day after day is unquestionably the one miracle the Vatican has overlooked." -- Bill Cosby
167
A married man should forget his mistakes; no use two people remembering the same thing!” -- Duane Dewel.
168
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry!" -- Rita Rudner
169
Marriage is nature's way of keeping us from fighting with strangers!" -- Alan King
170
It's scary that 50% of all marriages end in divorce... it's even scarier that the other 50% last forever!
171
There is one thing more exasperating than a wife who can cook and won't, and that's a wife who can't cook and will!
172
You could be married and bored or single and lonely - Ain't no happiness nowhere! -- Chris Rock
173
I married Miss Right - I just didnt know her first name was Always!
174
Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invaribly they are both disappointed. -- Albert Einstein
175
They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning! -- Clint Eastwood
176
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight! -- Phyllis Diller
177
Marriage changes passion ... suddenly you're in bed with a relative!
178
A man may be a fool and not know it, but not if he is married. -- H. L. Mencken
179
A psychiatrist will ask you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing! -- Joey Adams
180
A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person! --  Mignon McLaughlin
188
A wedding is just like a funeral except that you get to smell your own flowers! -- Grace Hansen
189
Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him. -- Marilyn Monroe
190
Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? - It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means. -- Henny Youngman
191
Getting divorced just because you don't love a man is almost as silly as getting married just because you do! -- Zsa Zsa Gabor
192
I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. First, let her think she's having her own way. And second, let her have it. -- President Lyndon B. Johnson
193
It isn't tying himself to one woman that a man dreads when he thinks of marrying; it's separating himself from all the others. -- Helen Rowland
194
Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can't sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can't sleep with the window open! -- George Bernard Shaw
195
Never feel remorse for what you have thought about your wife; she has thought much worse things about you. -- Jean Rostand
196
No man is regular in his attendance at the House of Commons until he is married. -- Benjamin Disraeli
197
Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then. -- Katharine Hepburn
198
The Wedding March always reminds me of the music played when soldiers go into battle! --  Heinrich Heine
199
When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there's a reason! -- Molly McGee
200
Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings ... and lawyers! -- Richard Prior
201
In many instances, marriage vows would be more accurate if the phrase were changed to 'Until debt do us part'! -- Sam Ewing
202
The Three Ages of Marriage: Twenty is when you watch the TV after sex. Forty is when you watch the TV during sex, and Sixty is when you watch the TV instead of sex! -- Griselda Plunkett
203
My husband and I didn't sign a pre-nuptial agreement. We signed a mutual suicide pact! -- Roseanne Barr
204
The best way to get husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they are too old to do it! -- Shirley MacLaine
205
A dress that zips up the back will bring a husband and wife together! -- James H. Boren 
206
All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner! -- Red Skelton
207
After seven years of marriage, I am sure of two things. First, never wallpaper together, and second, you’ll need two bathrooms–both for her! -- Dennis Miller