Doctor Jokes & Funnies - Part One

"I wanted to make the test as real as possible!"

A chap goes to a doctor and says he has a problem with sex.

“I think my privates are too small.” He says.

The doctor asks him which drink he prefers.

“Well, Lager,” he replies, quite bemused.

“Aahh! There’s your problem. It shrinks things, those Lagers.

You should try drinking Guinness, that makes things grow.”

Two months later the chap returns to the doctor with a big smile on his face.

He shakes the doctor by the hand and thanks him.

“I take it you now drink Guinness?” asked the doctor.

“No”, replies the man “but I’ve got the wife on Lager!”

What did the nurse say when she found a rectal thermometer in her pocket?

"Some asshole has my pen!"

What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

The taste.

Why did the nurse always insist on using the rectal thermometer to obtain temperatures?

She was taught in nursing school to always look for her patient's best side.

Two men both have 9:00 a.m. appointments at a vasectomy clinic.

A nurse greets the two men, tells them she has to prepare them for surgery and takes them to a private room.

She asks the first man to sit down on the examination table and take off his clothe s, which he does.

She then tells him to have a wank

"What!" he says, "What’s that all about?" 

She replies "It’s standard procedure to ensure you have no blockages."

Once done, the nurse tells the second man to sit down on the examination table and take off his clothes.

When he is up on the table, the nurse licks her lips, and begins to perform fellatio on him.

Upon seeing this, the first man interrupts, "Hey, what’s this? I have to wank, and he gets a blow job. That’s not fair!"

The nurse looks up at the first man and says:

 "Sorry, but that’s the difference between the NHS and BUPA!"

I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labour and the nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to me, “Congratulations sir, you’re the new father of twins!”

The man replied, “How about that, I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Company.” The man then followed the woman to his wife’s room.

About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mr. Smith’s wife has just had triplets. Mr. Smith stood up and said, “Well, how do ya like that, I work for the 3M Company.”

The gentleman that was sitting next to me then got up and started to leave.

When I asked him why he was leaving, he remarked, “I think I need a breath of fresh air.”

The man continued, “I work for 7-UP!”

Doctor: “I’ve got very bad news. You’ve got cancer and Alzheimer’s.”

Patient: “Well, at least I don’t have cancer”

Wife: Doctor My husband thinks he’s a satellite dish.Doctor Patient Jokes

Doctor: Don’t worry I can cure him.

Wife: I don’t want him cured I want you to adjust him to get the movie channel!

A man speaks frantically into the phone:

 "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.

"No, you idiot!" the man shouts - "This is her husband!"

A man walks into a doctors office

He says, "Doctor, I'm suffering from silent gas emissions.

All day at work, I have these silent gas emissions.

Last night during a movie, I had 10 silent gas emissions.

This morning in the car on the way to your surgery, I had five silent gas emissions.

And while waiting in your waiting room I had three silent gas emissions.

Right now, as a matter of fact, I've just had two more!"

The doctor replied:

"Well, the first thing we're going to do is check is your hearing!"

Doctor, Doctor

I can't stop stealing things!

Take these pills for a week; if that doesn't work I'll have a colour TV!

Doctor, Doctor

What can I do? I think I'm a pair of curtains?

Pull yourself together man!

Doctor, Doctor

I think I'm a bridge?

What's come over you?

Oh, two cars, a large truck and a coach.

Doctor, Doctor

I think I'm god?

How did that start?

In the beginning there was darkness......

Doctor, Doctor

Every bone in my body aches!

Just be glad you aren't a herring!

Doctor, Doctor

Can I have second opinion?

Of course, come back tomorrow!

Doctor, Doctor

I think I've broken my neck?

Don't worry - keep your chin up!

Doctor Doctor

My daughter has just swallowed my pen - what shall I do?

Use a pencil!

Doctor Doctor

What can I do? Everyone thinks I'm a liar?

I find that very hard to believe!

Doctor, Doctor

I feel like a pack of cards?

I'll deal with you later!

Doctor, Doctor

You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking!

Do you drink a lot?

Not really - I spill most of it!

Doctor, Doctor

Every time I drink a cup of coffee I get this stabbing pain in my eye!

I suggest you take the spoon out of the mug first!

Doctor, Doctor

My irregular heartbeat is really frightening me.

Don't worry - we'll soon put a stop to it!

Doctor, Doctor

Please help me. I think I'm invisible

Next Please!

Doctor, Doctor

I've just swallowed my mouth organ

Well look on the bright side, at least you weren't playing a grand piano!

Doctor, Doctor

I think I'm a bell?

Take these and if it doesn't help give me a ring!

Doctor, Doctor

I think I'm a cat?

How long has this been going on?

Oh, since I was a kitten I guess!

Doctor, Doctor

I've got insomnia

Just sit on the edge of the bed. You'll soon drop off!

Doctor, Doctor

Is there anything wrong with my heart?

After a thorough examination I can confidently say it will last as long as you do!!

Doctor, Doctor

I've got wind! Can you give me something?

Yes - here's a kite!

Doctor Doctor

I'm not well - can you give me something to make me better?

Take 2 teaspoons of this after every meal?

But Doctor, I've only got one teaspoon?

Doctor doctor

I feel like a carrot 

Well don't get yourself in a stew

Doctor doctor

I've swallowed my pocket money 

Take this and we'll see if there's any change in the morning!

Doctor doctor

What happened to that man who fell into the circular saw and had the whole left side of his body cut away? 

Oh, he's all right now!

Doctor doctor

I'm at death's door! 

Don't worry, we'll soon pull you through!

Doctor doctor

My spouse is so ill, is there no hope? 

It depends what you are hoping for?

Doctor doctor

Help me now! I'm getting shorter and shorter! 

Just wait there and be a little patient!

Doctor doctor

I feel like a pair of wigwams 

The problem is, you've become too tense!

Doctor, doctor

I'm addicted to brake fluid 

Nonsense man, you can stop anytime!

Doctor doctor

I couldn't drink my medicine after my bath like you told me 

Why not? 

Well after I've drunk my bath I haven't got room for the medicine!

Doctor doctor

I've just swallowed a roll of film! 

Come back tomorrow and we'll see what develops!

Doctor, doctor

I think I need glasses 

You certainly do missy, this is the fish and chip shop!

Doctor, doctor

I think I'm suffering from Déjà Vu! 

Didn't I see you yesterday?

Doctor doctor

I've got acute appendicitis 

You've got a cute little dimple too!

Doctor, doctor

What's the quickest way to get to hospital? 

Lie in the road outside!

Doctor, doctor

I've only got 59 seconds to live 

Just wait a minute will you . . .

Doctor doctor

I've heard that exercise kills germs; is it true? 

Probably, but how do you get the germs to exercise?

Doctor, doctor

I've lost my memory 

When did this happen? 

When did what happen?

Doctor doctor

I've gone all crumbly, like a cheese biscuit... 

You're crackers!

Doctor, doctor

I snore so loud I keep myself awake 

Sleep in another room then!

Doctor, doctor

I've broken my arm in two places

Hmm, I'd advise you not to go back to either of those places then!

Doctor, doctor

I've a strawberry stuck in my ear!

Don't worry, I've some cream for that!

Doctor doctor

I feel like a pony!

No no, you're just a little hoarse!

Doctor doctor

I've become a kleptomaniac

Have you taken anything for it?

So far a TV, three sofas and a necklace!

Doctor doctor

I'm scared of Father Christmas

You’re suffering from Claus-trophobia!

Doctor, Doctor

Will this ointment clear up my spots?

I never make rash promises...

Doctor doctor

Every time I stand up quickly, I see Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck and Goofy

How long have you been getting these disney spells?

Doctor doctor

I can't help it, I just keep thinking I'm a moth

You need a psychiatrist not a doctor

I know, but I was walking past and I saw your light was on!

Doctor doctor

I've got a cricket ball stuck in my bottom

How's that?

Oh, don't you start too!

Doctor, Doctor

I've got amnesia!

Just go home and try to forget about it!

Doctor, Doctor

They are saying in the waiting room that you've become a vampire...

Necks please...

Doctor, Doctor 

You have to help me out?

Certainly. Which way did you come in?

Doctor, Doctor 

I keep singing "Green green grass of home" - I think I have Tom Jones syndrome

It's not unusual!

Doctor, Doctor - Aaa, Eee, I, oooh! You...

I think you may have irrtitable vowel syndrome!

Doctor doctor I can't help thinking I'm a goat

How long have you felt like this?

Since I was a kid..

Doctor, Doctor

I keep comparing things with something else.

Don't worry, it's only analogy!

Doctor, Doctor 

There's a man here who says he's turning invisible!

Tell him I can't see him!

Doctor, Doctor 

I feel like a spoon!

Sit still and don't stir!

Jokes about the NHS - Part One

1:
Q) What's the difference between Harold Shipman and David Cameron?
A) Shipman actually did something about NHS waiting lists!


2:
News reports today tell that NHS hospitals are "plagued by vermin and pests".
Well we allowed the Coalition to be formed!


3:
A Lady rings her local hospital and this conversation follows:

Lady:

Hello I'd like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree. She was admitted last week with chest pains and I just want to know if her condition has deteriorated, stabilised or improved?
Hospital:

Do you know which ward she is in?
Lady:

Yes, ward P, room 2B.
Hospital:

I'll just put you through to the nurse station.
Nurse:

Hello ward P, how can I help?
Lady:

I would just like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree, I was wondering if her condition had deteriorated, stabilised or improved?
Nurse:

I'll just check her notes... I'm pleased to say that Mrs Tiptree's conditioned has improved. She has regained her appetite, her temperature has steadied and after some routine checks tonight, she should be well enough to go home tomorrow.
Lady:

Oh that's wonderful news, I'm so happy, thank you ever so much!
Nurse:

You seem very relieved, are you a close friend or relative?
Lady:

No, I'm Mrs Tiptree in room 2b.... Nobody tells you sod all in here...!

4:
The Government has refused proper health care to many elderly citizens due to their advancing  years.
It is a worrying problem for many but help is at hand.

Join the new George Osborne/Andrew Lansley new free care plan today!

Anyone 60 years or older, you can apply.

All new members will receive a gun and four bullets.
You are allowed to shoot one MP (two if you live in England), one MSP (if you live 
in Scotland), one councillor and just to be sure of a long sentence, someone you really don't like and think the world could do without.
As part of the plan, you will leave enough evidence to make sure you are caught and in due course will be sent to prison.

There you will get a safe central heated environment, three meals a day, lots of company, free TV and an assortment of games plus - most importantly - all the health care you need!
New teeth needed? No problem.
New glasses? They'll be provided free of charge.
New hip, knees, kidney, lung, heart? They're all covered too!

But, I can hear you ask, who will pay for all of this?

Well, the same Coalition government that told you they cannot afford your current health care!
And as an added bonus, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay income tax anymore.
There is even the chance you may be able to claim for infringements of your Human Rights,  leaving money for your loved ones!The United Kingdom! - A GREAT country or what?

5:
"Male doctors earn £15,000 a year more than women, study reveals"

Well there you go Langley, you can solve the NHS budget deficit by only employing cheap female doctors. Not only would this save millions, it would make my ideal porn fantasy one step closer.


6:
"Male doctors earn £15,000 a year more than women, study reveals"
Well there you go  Andrew Lansley, you can solve the NHS budget deficit by only employing cheap female doctors.
Not only would this save millions, it would make my ideal porn fantasy one step closer!


7:
My Grandma always used to say, 'You get what you paid for'.
I find it fitting that she died while in the care of the NHS.


8:
I left the dentist's unable to speak, sweating, red faced and drooling like a spastic.
An old lady said, "What's the matter, love? Have you had some work done?"
I said, "Nah, as the receptionist leaned forward to give me an appointment form one of her tits fell out!"


9:
The missus wanted to try some NHS doctor/patient role play.
So I made her wait a week for a bed then let her contract MRSA.


10:
You've gotta love the sense of humour of the NHS cleaners. 
Foot pedal bins in disabled toilets are a work of genius!